Memoirs of a pregnant dad week 23-28

Yes yes, it has indeed been awhile. I know I could sit here and offer a long detailed explanation as to why the memoirs are late but we all know it will simply go to the dogs and I will be left up the proverbial creek anyway so I will just leave it at the fact that with the wedding in a couple of days the preperations needed etc etc….its been busy. Work has also been rather crazy and thus my free time has been spent poorly. Yes yes…..I know……Im wrong……………again!

Yes Dear! Im sorry!

So, here is an interesting detail! MEN….did you know that there is a right and a wrong way to put a roll of toilet paper on a spool?? I didn’t!! Now I can tell you for many years this has never been an issue for me. As long as I got a stack of books and a charlie brown comic book sitting on the back of the toilet I could honestly give a rats ass about which way the roll is on the spool. Val of course felt the need to point this out. It was subtle, it was actually a compliment! “You did good honey!” she even gave me a kiss. Frankly im scared. Because the first thing in my mind was……’Why has she never said anything about the times Ive obviously done this wrong!!??’ If I did it right and get thanked for it….Ive clearly done it wrong before and not a word!!

Leave the toilet seat up….. SMACK!
Forget to turn the alarm clock off….SMACK!
Leave a light on…… Its pointed out!
Put somthing on the wrong shelf in the fridge (Because this is a big deal too) …..AHEM!

BUT….The toilet paper roll…….NOTHING! Instead I get thanked for doing it right. Frankly Im rather nervous because what ELSE am I doing wrong that she says nothing about that will eventually come out and slam me into a wall? Then I start to think that its a ploy….. just something to throw me off. Im telling you, pregnant women…….. will keep you guessing. And because they can justify everything with… “Im pregnant and hormonal im allowed!” there is just no safety net. In general men….when this happens….stand still, shit your pants, and hope for the best!

And NO, I am not saying which way is the right way to put a toilet paper roll on the spool. If I have to learn the hard way…..So do you!!! Live in Fear or ask your pregnant wife, but don’t blame me if she makes you look stupid. Which, incedently, I have looked rather stupid several times over the last few months for reasons I will take to my grave. There are some things that just wont reach the memoir because I will enjoy myself far to much laughing at later when my friends finally knock up thier girlfriends!

So… the baby is kicking!! Of course it took nearly 3 weeks before the little bugger would let me feel it mind you. Suprised?? My kid?? Not even born yet and a Brat?? Not one bit. I swear he was playing with me the first few nights. Val would even guide my hand to exactly where he was kicking…..next kick would be on the other side! On top…he kicks below…. on the left….. he kicks right. Got smart and used both hands and almost covered her whole belly…….kicked backwards!! Did this for a week!!! Val of course found this utterly amusing. After I’d give up trying to feel it and roll over she’d start giggling away because the little devil would start kicking only one spot. It would seem however the novelty wore off because now I feel it all the time. He even has a schedule. He has however found a whole new barrel of fun because he is starting the eluding kick with my Mom. Who by the way…..still says hi to Val’s belly first, and then me. Go Matthew!

It is however, probably the coolest thing in the world to feel. Val isn’t too pleased at times as we are certain he is playing rugby with his umbilical cord which has a rather hasty response from her bladder, but it doesn’t take away from the awesomness of it. Feeling a baby kick……….easlily in the top ten of cool.

So what else is new and exciting? Well we are now officially in the third tri-mester and Val is slowly approaching the “fed up” stage. She is not yet near the “get this kid out of me” Stage. And very far from the “you did this to me you will pay” stage. However being that she is in the “Fed Up” stage I have heard some rather colorful names Val has for her neutritionist. In fact the staff at the clinic in general each has thier own colorful designation ranging from ‘stupid bitch’ to ‘skanks R us’ and my personal favorite ‘Fukface Slimedog’. Her gyno she is a little more lenient with but only because this is the man who will deliver this baby and she knows it is probably a good idea to stay on his good side. As soon as this baby is born however I am nearly positive he will fall into the nebula of colorful metaphors from which there is no escape.

She is a trooper however. Despite all the new things she has had to go through for this pregnancy (which of course is all my fault, yes dear, im sorry) she is doing amazingly well, and despite the fact that she hates that she is on a diet because of the Diabetes she is following it properly. Im quite proud in truth. Word to the wise however do not attempt to steal her MR BIG! It could result in hospital time and a possible loss of limbs. And yes…there are several people out there who are concerned about the fact she still smokes. Understand that with the stresses of all the things we have had to endure…diabetes, moving, the wedding, the surgery and all the stuff we went though in the beginning of the pregnancy concerning the baby’s possible risk to health problems and positioning and upcoming actual birth her doctor has actually told her to cut down yes (Which she has) but to not even try and quit smoking entirely as the added stress of it on top of everything else could very well and probably will do more harm than good for the baby and Val in general.

Some people have told me the doctor is an idiot and stupid and doesn’t know what he is doing but In truth I figure after 8 years of Medical school and 20 years of practice not to mention the 1000′s of babies delivered and pregnant smoking women he has worked with he probably knows more about the complications that “could” or “may” be cause by smoking during a pregnancy than we do, and well…….after 7 months the baby is in perfect health and he isn’t concerned in the least. Considering one of the guys who told me he was stupid etc.. went to school for 3 years of mechanics I have decided that he can diagnose my car all he wants, but when it comes to Val and her health and the baby, Ill trust the Doctor unless he or anyone has a resume equally impressive. Thus…. bug her at your own risk…..3rd tri-mester here, its kill ask questions later!

Yup…moving along quite well. And im still alive so I must be doing something right….Except of course the toilet paper rolls. The toilet seat. Oh I forgot to get her a Mr. Big once. Bought 3 to make up for it. Still stealing pillows…. ok so I dont know what im doing right exactly but its Something! And it must be good to make up for all the things I do wrong. Besides…Val has it good….she knows dam well im wrapped around her finger and with her pregy senses I couldn’t get away with anything if I tried. And I am good for things too like:

Waking up at 7am To kill a bat flying in the house (true story)
Spilling my glass of pepsi (been on a roll with this one)
Fixing the computers.
Taking out the garbage and recycling
Very good timing when getting a drink because im there at the fridge anyway….may as well fill her glass too (I swear she waits for me)

Im also a pretty good target, especially since I usually end up opening all the doors myself and volentarily putting my own foot in my mouth and requesting salt. But Val is happy, and really…..when pregnant…that’s all that matters. Otherwise I’d be in a hell of a lot of troube!

So in conclusion of this memoir, I am sorry for taking so long but it has been a busy few weeks. Val and the baby are doing great and she is right on target. Doctors are keeping a close eye on her and as for me…….well Im hanging in there just fine. My hands and arms are a little red and stingy due to forgetting to put the toilet seat down but all in all life is good. Even if I had complaints no one would listen anyway! IE:”IM pregnant, Hormonal, and allowed” There is just no argueing that!.

Memoirs of a Pregnant dad – week 21 & 22

IT’S A BOY!!

Yup that’s right. Standing in the ultrasound room waiting patiently for the Dr to finish taking the measurements of the baby’s head and such and then he said the magic words. “It’s a boy!” It hit us all like a truck. Of course we all had different reactions!!! My Mom jumped 14 feet high and after peeling her off the ceiling she cried. Cindy was beaming a smile from cheek to cheek… finally a little brother!!……… Valerie laying on the table breathed a sigh of relief as this meant she could soon go to the bathroom. And me!!…..Even though all I really wanted was a healthy child….boy or girl didn’t matter, I gleamed, I smiled with a sense of pride……… I could feel it right then and there….the power… the releif……after living with Valerie, a step-Daughter, a female cat named Legend. Me and my boy (the other Cat) Arty have been badly outnumbered by the females and on the receiving end of PMS, female logic, and the ultimate power of female arguing wisdom. Now…… Testosterone will rival the Estrogen!! “Gillette” will take as much space as “secret”! Disposable razors will not all be pink! The toilet seat will be up as often as it is down!! YES….YES….. The hormonal balance in the house is shifting!!!

As soon as we got home I informed Arty of the incredible news and us Men retreated to the living room and scratched ourselves proudly. Soon after Valerie shook the bag of Temptation cat treats and he abandoned me. But the fact still remains the numbers will be even!! Even I tell you!!!

So its been a good couple of weeks here, things are going smooth. Val is finally buying her own T-shirts, however do not for a minute think its because she doesn’t like mine anymore….its only because slowly….over time…..they are not fitting the baby bump anymore! So it isn’t out of pity or anything ( god forbid ) its because she has no choice. But for the moment, I have my T-shirts back so I can take some mild satisfaction in this. That is until birth, because then all the T-Shirts she’s buying now will be far too big and she’ll steal mine all over again. So in the end I dont really win…..big surprise!

This week I have given Val a new Nickname. You see pregnancy brings with it all sorts of new and exciting things. The mood swings, the farting, morning sickness and all that fun stuff. Every woman is different of course and experiences these things from one extreme to the other, but then there are some things that you dont expect but probably should.

Of course with a belly now when Val sleeps getting comfy is an issue…. I mean it must be because she moves from one side to the other to her back and all over again 47 times a night when before she was asleep before she hit the pillow. As luck would have it…. the position she used to sleep in she barely uses anymore and the new 17 positions she uses all involve snoring. Of course im not sure the noise billowing forth from her nostrils can be classified as snoring but well have to live with it. It is unholy!!! I dont understand how it doesn’t hurt! The thing that surprises me the most is that she doesn’t wake herself up!! You could drop a napkin in the kitchen and she’ll wake up, but the 52 decibel fluttering nostril death banshee snore does nothing.

I sat up one night and watched her. Her face looked like she was yawning while inhaling, I mean she really gets that air in there, and then it looks like she’s blowing a kiss when exhaling. Legend foolishly crossed over her when she inhaled once and I swear the cat ran in place trying to escape but couldn’t. Suddenly she exhaled and Legend hit the dresser and knocked over Cindy’s babyteeth. Of course when Val discovered the jar of teeth on the floor in the morning she gave legend sht. Poor thing… I thought of speaking up but decided not too. I don’t think the pregnant one would have taken it too well if I told her she almost swallowed the cat and I layed there and watched wanting to see what would happen if she did. Secretly hoping the snoring would stop.

So, because of the new snoring development Ive decided to call my lovely wife the newest Decepticon SNOR-A-TRON. With fast action Fusion Snor-o-cannon. Guaranteed to wake you up!

I have also noticed that things that could not possibly be your fault, become your fault. Of course as males we are responsible for much whether we like it or not but it would be nice if things make sense. Legend this week was on the table and up to her usual attention getting trouble, playing with Val’s stuff. She knock’s something over and Val gets frustrated and has to pick it up etc. I innocently come walking into the kitchen to get a drink and Val stare’s at me with this wicked look like I should crawl in a hole or something and utters: “she gets it from you you know!”

Now my response is obvious….. how the hell could I be responsible for what the cat does!! Pregnant women have the answers. And pregnant answers require no justification. They just ARE! And should you argue their points….they will only create more answers. So in response to losing the argument that I am not responsible for the cats behavior I have tried to train Legend. Needless to say she’s training me more than anything else. But Ive learned that if I growl a certain way she will run and hide under our bed, and she will follow a red laser pointer until she keel’s over and dies. Making her chase the lazer in circles and getting her dizzy is also rather hilarious. Probably cruel….but hilarious nonetheless.

So the day before we have the ultrasound we decide it would be easier to have my Mom spend the night as opposed to picking her up in the morning. (Hades fire breathing hounds would not have stopped my mother from being there for this one. I swear to God she would have hitchhiked or worst case scenario….actually teleported if she needed too.) But no……..instead, she spends the night.

Now im pretty lucky (in a way) because the wife and the mother get along very well. But holy flipping Santa’s reindeer can these two women talk……and talk……and geez talk yet some more. Just when you think they have run out of things to talk about they find some obscure subject and start ranting about that. Everytime I went to the kitchen I felt like I was watching a tennis game. We went to bed later than usual, Val snored all night, I was a bloody zombie the next day.

The day however at the hospital was very special. I can’t even describe how I was feeling really. This isn’t something I think you can explain unless you are in the situation but wow. Seeing that baby on the vewscreen and looking like a baby at this point was really cool. (the first ultrasound the fetus looked like an Alien. So much in fact I wasn’t sure if I was indeed from Earth or not.) Watching the baby move…..the heart beat. I admit I got all watery eyed. OF course its my Mom’s fault cause she was sobbing otherwise I would have been just fine. I think Val was the only one who didn’t react cause the only thing she was thinking about at that point was how badly she had to pee.

So that’s it…..after all this time and everyone telling us its a girl, myself and a very select few people were actually right. Yes….there is no need to re-read the last sentence I said I was right!! I will pay for it and somehow be wrong later but for now I am right!!!

Needless to say…I didn’t sleep last either. Snor-a-tron was making energon cubes.

By Lee Marshall

Memoirs of A Pregnant Dad-Week 8

Yes week 8…. no I did not skip 7 weeks I am just using the correct amount of weeks that we are…..excuse me… that VAL is pregnant so I will continue the memoirs accordingly.

The last 2 -3 weeks have been interesting….Thanks to Catherine I am now addicted to Baby Center Canada. However despite the fact that I am paranoid about everything it is probably the greatest site I have ever seen for lunatic new expecting Dad’s. It really puts to rest the falsehoods about many ‘Old wives Tales’ or non truths about pregnancy. A wealth of information also to help anyone who is pregnant, (Even that chick in the states who has 17 children or so would have learned a thing or two, however the section on birth control obviously would have been beyond her comprehension). If your pregnant take a peek, it really helps and thank you Catherine =). Thanks to my addiction I am now dangling rings from strings over her belly in order to figure out what sex the baby is. Checking to see if her pillow faces north or south for the same silly reasons and buying an abundance of Milk for her to drink. Oh what Fun!!.. IM not to sure Val is enjoying my silly behavior very much but Im full of glee!!!

Val herself is experiencing some changes, and oh so evident ones!!! Although she isn’t experiencing any morning sickness which Im thankful for. Nothing is worse than watching or hearing someone puke….especially when your gag factor in this situation is little to non existant i’d be puking right beside her. (Now isn;t that love!) Of course the one thing she’s expriencing in a profound way is of course the worst possible thing that can happen! Sensitive Boobs!!! This is mild torture now….. but you see it gets worse! Soon there will be NO TOUCHY at all!! Remember that commercial with guy laying on his lawn with the water hose talking to a weed? “Want it? Can’t have it!” This is starting…..Ive cried twice! Im very upset….of all the things!! Why couldnt this wait. This is just the beginning too, because as the weeks go by it gets worse! And it doesn’t stop at birth….. Once that happens the Kid gets them all to himself!!!. Selfish brat….As soon as that child is born it’s grounded with no TV!! I am denied Boobies and all must know my pain!!

The second noticable difference is her driving. No you dont understand, her driving itself is fine…. its her Vocal’s. Now we’ve all yelled at other cars, given the finger, muttered under our breathe at other people but Val has taken this to a whole new level. During the last two weeks I have witnessed unforseen horrors.
“BITCH!!”, “TURN YOU IDIOT!!” “EVER HEAR OF A FLASHER!!!!!” “WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO DRIVE YOU HEEDLESS SIMPLETON”, “MY KITCHEN TABLE CAN DRIVE BETTER THAN YOU!” “OH YOU WANT SOME!!!! ILL STAB YOU WITH A TOOHBRUSH!!!” “AZZHOLE” “ITS CALLED A GAS PEDAL..HERE’S AN IDEA….. PUSH IT!!!” “IM PREGO DON’T MESS!!” “PICK A LANE FUKNUT!” “CRASH TEST THIS, ITS NOT MY TRUCK!!” . Now this may seem normal, but all this is during the 8 minutes we are actually driving during our lunch hour!! I can only imagine the profane slander that exits her mouth when she’s alone!!! This frightens me really because if this is just the begining of the emotional roller coaster than the future promises Sweetypie to Gremlin from the Abyss of Doom in under 3 seconds. So if you come to visit and im in the fetal position cowering in a corner don’t ask questions. Just ignore me Ill be ok.

On a serious note however we had the first ultra sound and the fear that the baby could be in her tube is gone. Baby is smack in the middle where it should be and everything is a green light. Doctor also gave her a “confimation of pregnancy” which I laughed at. Trust me……. I know. Boob withdrawl here!! Yes…she is indeed Pregnant!!

Needless to say…… I did the driving.

By Lee Marshall