Memoirs of a pregnant dad week 23-28

Yes yes, it has indeed been awhile. I know I could sit here and offer a long detailed explanation as to why the memoirs are late but we all know it will simply go to the dogs and I will be left up the proverbial creek anyway so I will just leave it at the fact that with the wedding in a couple of days the preperations needed etc etc….its been busy. Work has also been rather crazy and thus my free time has been spent poorly. Yes yes…..I know……Im wrong……………again!

Yes Dear! Im sorry!

So, here is an interesting detail! MEN….did you know that there is a right and a wrong way to put a roll of toilet paper on a spool?? I didn’t!! Now I can tell you for many years this has never been an issue for me. As long as I got a stack of books and a charlie brown comic book sitting on the back of the toilet I could honestly give a rats ass about which way the roll is on the spool. Val of course felt the need to point this out. It was subtle, it was actually a compliment! “You did good honey!” she even gave me a kiss. Frankly im scared. Because the first thing in my mind was……’Why has she never said anything about the times Ive obviously done this wrong!!??’ If I did it right and get thanked for it….Ive clearly done it wrong before and not a word!!

Leave the toilet seat up….. SMACK!
Forget to turn the alarm clock off….SMACK!
Leave a light on…… Its pointed out!
Put somthing on the wrong shelf in the fridge (Because this is a big deal too) …..AHEM!

BUT….The toilet paper roll…….NOTHING! Instead I get thanked for doing it right. Frankly Im rather nervous because what ELSE am I doing wrong that she says nothing about that will eventually come out and slam me into a wall? Then I start to think that its a ploy….. just something to throw me off. Im telling you, pregnant women…….. will keep you guessing. And because they can justify everything with… “Im pregnant and hormonal im allowed!” there is just no safety net. In general men….when this happens….stand still, shit your pants, and hope for the best!

And NO, I am not saying which way is the right way to put a toilet paper roll on the spool. If I have to learn the hard way…..So do you!!! Live in Fear or ask your pregnant wife, but don’t blame me if she makes you look stupid. Which, incedently, I have looked rather stupid several times over the last few months for reasons I will take to my grave. There are some things that just wont reach the memoir because I will enjoy myself far to much laughing at later when my friends finally knock up thier girlfriends!

So… the baby is kicking!! Of course it took nearly 3 weeks before the little bugger would let me feel it mind you. Suprised?? My kid?? Not even born yet and a Brat?? Not one bit. I swear he was playing with me the first few nights. Val would even guide my hand to exactly where he was kicking…..next kick would be on the other side! On top…he kicks below…. on the left….. he kicks right. Got smart and used both hands and almost covered her whole belly…….kicked backwards!! Did this for a week!!! Val of course found this utterly amusing. After I’d give up trying to feel it and roll over she’d start giggling away because the little devil would start kicking only one spot. It would seem however the novelty wore off because now I feel it all the time. He even has a schedule. He has however found a whole new barrel of fun because he is starting the eluding kick with my Mom. Who by the way…..still says hi to Val’s belly first, and then me. Go Matthew!

It is however, probably the coolest thing in the world to feel. Val isn’t too pleased at times as we are certain he is playing rugby with his umbilical cord which has a rather hasty response from her bladder, but it doesn’t take away from the awesomness of it. Feeling a baby kick……….easlily in the top ten of cool.

So what else is new and exciting? Well we are now officially in the third tri-mester and Val is slowly approaching the “fed up” stage. She is not yet near the “get this kid out of me” Stage. And very far from the “you did this to me you will pay” stage. However being that she is in the “Fed Up” stage I have heard some rather colorful names Val has for her neutritionist. In fact the staff at the clinic in general each has thier own colorful designation ranging from ‘stupid bitch’ to ‘skanks R us’ and my personal favorite ‘Fukface Slimedog’. Her gyno she is a little more lenient with but only because this is the man who will deliver this baby and she knows it is probably a good idea to stay on his good side. As soon as this baby is born however I am nearly positive he will fall into the nebula of colorful metaphors from which there is no escape.

She is a trooper however. Despite all the new things she has had to go through for this pregnancy (which of course is all my fault, yes dear, im sorry) she is doing amazingly well, and despite the fact that she hates that she is on a diet because of the Diabetes she is following it properly. Im quite proud in truth. Word to the wise however do not attempt to steal her MR BIG! It could result in hospital time and a possible loss of limbs. And yes…there are several people out there who are concerned about the fact she still smokes. Understand that with the stresses of all the things we have had to endure…diabetes, moving, the wedding, the surgery and all the stuff we went though in the beginning of the pregnancy concerning the baby’s possible risk to health problems and positioning and upcoming actual birth her doctor has actually told her to cut down yes (Which she has) but to not even try and quit smoking entirely as the added stress of it on top of everything else could very well and probably will do more harm than good for the baby and Val in general.

Some people have told me the doctor is an idiot and stupid and doesn’t know what he is doing but In truth I figure after 8 years of Medical school and 20 years of practice not to mention the 1000′s of babies delivered and pregnant smoking women he has worked with he probably knows more about the complications that “could” or “may” be cause by smoking during a pregnancy than we do, and well…….after 7 months the baby is in perfect health and he isn’t concerned in the least. Considering one of the guys who told me he was stupid etc.. went to school for 3 years of mechanics I have decided that he can diagnose my car all he wants, but when it comes to Val and her health and the baby, Ill trust the Doctor unless he or anyone has a resume equally impressive. Thus…. bug her at your own risk…..3rd tri-mester here, its kill ask questions later!

Yup…moving along quite well. And im still alive so I must be doing something right….Except of course the toilet paper rolls. The toilet seat. Oh I forgot to get her a Mr. Big once. Bought 3 to make up for it. Still stealing pillows…. ok so I dont know what im doing right exactly but its Something! And it must be good to make up for all the things I do wrong. Besides…Val has it good….she knows dam well im wrapped around her finger and with her pregy senses I couldn’t get away with anything if I tried. And I am good for things too like:

Waking up at 7am To kill a bat flying in the house (true story)
Spilling my glass of pepsi (been on a roll with this one)
Fixing the computers.
Taking out the garbage and recycling
Very good timing when getting a drink because im there at the fridge anyway….may as well fill her glass too (I swear she waits for me)

Im also a pretty good target, especially since I usually end up opening all the doors myself and volentarily putting my own foot in my mouth and requesting salt. But Val is happy, and really…..when pregnant…that’s all that matters. Otherwise I’d be in a hell of a lot of troube!

So in conclusion of this memoir, I am sorry for taking so long but it has been a busy few weeks. Val and the baby are doing great and she is right on target. Doctors are keeping a close eye on her and as for me…….well Im hanging in there just fine. My hands and arms are a little red and stingy due to forgetting to put the toilet seat down but all in all life is good. Even if I had complaints no one would listen anyway! IE:”IM pregnant, Hormonal, and allowed” There is just no argueing that!.

Memoirs of a Pregnant dad – Week 16-18

Well now…… How is everyone holding up so far? The wife is good…….very good in fact and so is the baby for those of you that sent some hate mail to me concerning the memoirs and were curious. Thank you very much for your concern! I do however feel it prudent that I should add that I AM DOING OK TOO BY THE WAY, AND THANKS FOR ASKING!!!!!! Nope, no sarcasm there!!! Im just the FATHER!!!!

The first tri-mester was great wasn’t it? Oh I had a lot of fun…… everybody congratulates you, everyone’s happy for you. Heck we were even thrown a party for it. Men…..All of that good stuff is over!!!!! The second tri-mester you are reduced even further down the ladder of laughable importance than you were before. Who knows maybe it’s just me but no one seems to care about ME anymore, its all about the MOM. Ok yes… I understand she is the one carrying the child and that is no easy thing I agree, but I swear to the gods the bigger her belly gets…..the more I fade to the back ground.

I first started noticing this at work believe it or not. People used to ask how I was doing and such etc etc…now it’s “Hey Lee, Hows the wife doing?” It then started on facebook…..messages with “So how’s Val?” nothing about me….. no hello how are YOU doing……nope…. “How’s VAL”. Then….the phone. Debbie calls, I answer… I mean its my house too I live there for crying outloud and there is no hello…… no How are you Lee……its “I dont want to talk to you!!!, Where’s VAL?” My own Mom omg. We go there to visit, I walk in the house, Val is just behind me with Cindy. I say “Hi Mom” she doesn;t even make eye contact. She whispers ‘hi lee’, walks right past me, talks to Val’s belly, gives her a big hug and kiss and smiles and.. ” How are you VAL?” My mom………. my OWN MOTHER!!.

What happened?? (Scary Music) The second TRIMESTER. Its like a horror movie preview with that guy who does all the narrating with the deep voice?

In a dangerous time…
Unexpected terror….
The SECOND TRIMESTER!
Your even more screwed than you thought you were before!
Coming soon to theater’s. Rated H for Husbands.

Yes….it has been awhile, but it has been a busy few weeks and well….i’ve just been too bloody lazy!. Lazy however does not go far when you have a pregnant wife. And remember this: it is completely ok for her to be as lazy as she wants to be. Learn this as well: DO not confuse Lazy with being tired and no matter how “tired” she is she will always have the energy to yell at you for being “lazy”! So in other words….. your screwed. You will also suddenly have many responsibilities that are entirely your own that used to be shared. Although they are for very good reasons as you dont want to risk anything to the pregnancy. These responsibilities lead to some very surprising realizations however.

For example: It is unbelievable how much 2 cats can shit when your the only one cleaning the cat litter.

You are also now responsible for keeping your wifes water glass full. Just so you know pregnant women in the second tri-mester can drink more water than a derby horse on some of the best steroids downtown Detroit can offer. Do not be surprised if when its time for the water to break 942 litres spill out.

You must buy more T-shirts……do not concern yourself if they fit you or not….. Buy the largest ones and expect to see her wearing them.

Your car must always have enough gas left for two trips to the gas station because when she says she wants a Mr. Big…..She’s not talking about you!! Go out and get the chocolate bar immediately.

If you are on an errand never “forget” to pick up the Mr Big. You can forget the milk…. bread…. even the diet cola. I can not explain what will happen to you if you forget the “MR Big” other than it will hurt.

Replace…..”IM sorry” with: “I was wrong” its just safer. If you want to know why…..say “im sorry” and dont tell me I didn’t warn you.

Along with the second trimester comes the wonderful world of increased Flatulation. Pregnant women and gas are best friggen friends. Although….things now change. See, it used to be just regular gas cause by the regular foods…. beans… spicy stuff etc etc. Now its food in general, it doesn’t matter what. Just simply food and different foods have different effects and noises. Thought Beans were bad?? Beware Doritos Oh……my……God. I dont know what the fuk happens to chocolate chip cookies going through a pregnant digestive tract but holy sht. If your wife likes to be cuddled at night (and you know they do) you will soon master the hug and dodge maneuver as opposed to the hug and roll. Small piece of advice…..let the cats sleep in the room. This will aid you with the silent ones…….when the cats meow and bolt…..quickly follow them.

Beware because your wife will think this part especially amusing. Do not however laugh at her or mock her because I learned real quick that she does not have to warn you or tell you that a bomb is about to go off. Your only screwing yourself. And do not try to keep up with her (Because we all know us men can let off some good ones) You need to eat lots of beans to do this…. she just needs to munch on a few chips and its all over. Accept defeat…it will pass…….No pun intended.

This is also the time many of the people you know in your life who have children will suddenly start laughing at you. In the first trimester these people were all smiles and shaking your hand and giving you hugs and stuff. Suddenly these people are laughing at me hysterically. One guy at work inparticular, one of our drivers Burt walks in says of course..”Hey…How’s the wife doing??, BUHAHAHAHAHAHA” (please note…even these people will no longer give a rats azz how YOUR doing anymore). “How many Weeks?” he asks…….. 19….”BUhahahahahahHAHA!!!!” People I dont know….. Rob tells his bro, “Hey man…Lee’s going to be a Dad,” At first he’s excited for me…shakes my hand and all that good stuff. “That’s great…how old are you?”…….34…”BUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”. The women will tell you its the most exciting time of your life, its a magical experience and all that stuff that makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside. The guys??? Expect a lot of BUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!!!! There is no sympathy for us in the second trimester…..and everyone will think its funny!!!

So we are now all settled in our new home. The only room that’s a disaster is the babies room but it will come along slowly. Val’s mood swings have settled down some, even though they were never really all that bad. I do feel sorry for the renovators however……being late is not an option for pregnant women. Last week I noticed 3 fresh and empty graves in the backyard, today there are only 2. I have no idea who met an untimely demise but it was probably someone with a hammer. On the bright side though we now have towel racks!

Val is still tired alot but this too isn’t as bad. Energy is coming back more and more but if you ask her what she did during the day it will usually follow with “Nothing I was lazy”. (Note: Do not question where she gets the energy to dig the graves…..one of them could be yours!)

I will Try and post the pic from the ultrasound, if you see it..GREAT!!! IF not..its because I failed. The next ultra sound is in 3 weeks…..we will find out the sex in this one. And so far im still alive…..thus I must be doing something right! Go team!!

By Lee Marshall