“What should I say to her?” is the most common question I get from clients. One option is to memorize a bunch of pickup lines or routines. The problem is no matter how well you do it she will notice when you shift from your memorized material to natural conversation. Starting a conversation naturally takes a little bit more practice and an understanding of the social situation, but it will be more effective for you in the long run.

There are two types of situations you should be aware of before starting a conversation, implied social situations and public situations. In implied social situations such as a crowded bar, a party, or other group gatherings you don’t need an opener. People are there to be social and they are aware of the possibility of someone new coming to talk to them. If women weren’t at least open to the possibility of meeting and being approached by someone new they would go to somewhere quieter with less people. In these situations simply approach with a warm confident vibe and introduce yourself. After that ask an open ended question and relate to what she says or answer your own question to keep the conversation going.

In public situations people are in their own heads. Having a stranger talk to them is not that uncommon, however most people avoid those with an agenda. There are lots of people who might talk to you in public. Solicitors, panhandlers, volunteer activists, lost tourists, and even someone asking the time. We avoid conversation with people that have strong agendas like someone trying to sell you something. However it is normal if a casual conversation with a stranger occurs spontaneously. Going up to introduce yourself here would not work because of the obvious agenda to hit on her. This is where a focus opener or a presumption would be used. On a side note for ladies, you can use a focus opener or presumption to start a conversation with a guy in both situations and you won’t come off being too forward.

Focus Opener

The idea behind a focus opener is to start a conversation in a way that is casual and doesn’t have an apparent agenda. Conversations spring up between strangers in public all the time, it is usually started with a question or a comment about the situation at hand. The secret to coming up with a good conversation starter is to understand what the other person is focused on and then ask them an open-ended question about it.

Situation: Bookstore
Focus: Finding a book Focus
Opener: “You look like a well read person, what’s a good book you could recommend?”

Situation: Cooking Store
Focus: Thinking about cooking and cookware
Focus Opener: “What’s on your list of must have cookware?

Situation: Coffee Shop Line
Focus: Thinking about what to order
Focus Opener: “I think it is time for me to try something different, what are you ordering?”

Situation: Art Gallery
Focus: Thinking about a particular painting
Focus Opener: “What’s your take on this one?”

Presumption Opener

This is one of my favorite openers because it is a casual opener that jumps you right into a personal conversation. With a focus opener you have to transition from a platonic conversation about whatever you started with to a more personal conversation about who she is.

A presumption is an open-ended question that presumes something about her.

Situation: Bookstore
Focus: Looking at classic literature
Presumption: She is in university
Opener: “What University do you go to?”

Situation: Art supplies store
Focus: Buying art supplies
Presumption: She is an artist
Opener: “Where is your gallery?”

Situation: History Museum
Focus: Looking intently at an exhibit on military history
Presumption: She is in the military (Obviously false to be funny)
Opener: “What war did you serve in?”

Presumptions have a really powerful ability to get you into conversation whether the presumption is correct or not. In fact it is often better to have a wrong presumption. Either you can make it humorous like the last example or they will feel like they have to correct you and explain. In general people don’t want someone to have an incorrect notion about them and will feel compelled to correct it. For us that is a good thing because whoever we are trying to engage in conversation will say more for us to relate to. The conversation almost starts itself if they are telling me, “I actually don’t have a gallery. I’ve just been painting since high school because I enjoy it.”

The most important thing about starting a new conversation is to ask open-ended questions and answer the question yourself if you get a very short response. If you ask closed ended questions like “Is that a good book?” She may just say “I don’t know”, hand you the book, and walk away. If you do ask a good question and get a very short answer then answer your own question and go back to her with a smaller question.

Me: You look like a well read person, what’s a good book you could recommend?
Her: I don’t know…
Me: Well I’ll give you my quick recommendation then. One of my personal favorites is Life of Pi. I just loved picturing myself in the lifeboat with the tiger imagining if I could outwit him each day just like the main character did. So what is one good book you’ve read recently?
Her: Well the one I read recently was…….

Approaching and starting a conversation with woman can be very nerve-wracking. You will never know exactly what to say in every situation. Remember it is often not about what you say, but how you handle yourself if you say the wrong thing. Just keep going confidently and don’t let it get to you if you stumble over your words. Use the techniques we went over and you will be starting conversations with new women left and right. The first step to better dating success is meeting more women. Get out there and enjoy the adventure of approaching and meeting more women!