Memoirs of a pregnant dad week 23-28

Yes yes, it has indeed been awhile. I know I could sit here and offer a long detailed explanation as to why the memoirs are late but we all know it will simply go to the dogs and I will be left up the proverbial creek anyway so I will just leave it at the fact that with the wedding in a couple of days the preperations needed etc etc….its been busy. Work has also been rather crazy and thus my free time has been spent poorly. Yes yes…..I know……Im wrong……………again!

Yes Dear! Im sorry!

So, here is an interesting detail! MEN….did you know that there is a right and a wrong way to put a roll of toilet paper on a spool?? I didn’t!! Now I can tell you for many years this has never been an issue for me. As long as I got a stack of books and a charlie brown comic book sitting on the back of the toilet I could honestly give a rats ass about which way the roll is on the spool. Val of course felt the need to point this out. It was subtle, it was actually a compliment! “You did good honey!” she even gave me a kiss. Frankly im scared. Because the first thing in my mind was……’Why has she never said anything about the times Ive obviously done this wrong!!??’ If I did it right and get thanked for it….Ive clearly done it wrong before and not a word!!

Leave the toilet seat up….. SMACK!
Forget to turn the alarm clock off….SMACK!
Leave a light on…… Its pointed out!
Put somthing on the wrong shelf in the fridge (Because this is a big deal too) …..AHEM!

BUT….The toilet paper roll…….NOTHING! Instead I get thanked for doing it right. Frankly Im rather nervous because what ELSE am I doing wrong that she says nothing about that will eventually come out and slam me into a wall? Then I start to think that its a ploy….. just something to throw me off. Im telling you, pregnant women…….. will keep you guessing. And because they can justify everything with… “Im pregnant and hormonal im allowed!” there is just no safety net. In general men….when this happens….stand still, shit your pants, and hope for the best!

And NO, I am not saying which way is the right way to put a toilet paper roll on the spool. If I have to learn the hard way…..So do you!!! Live in Fear or ask your pregnant wife, but don’t blame me if she makes you look stupid. Which, incedently, I have looked rather stupid several times over the last few months for reasons I will take to my grave. There are some things that just wont reach the memoir because I will enjoy myself far to much laughing at later when my friends finally knock up thier girlfriends!

So… the baby is kicking!! Of course it took nearly 3 weeks before the little bugger would let me feel it mind you. Suprised?? My kid?? Not even born yet and a Brat?? Not one bit. I swear he was playing with me the first few nights. Val would even guide my hand to exactly where he was kicking…..next kick would be on the other side! On top…he kicks below…. on the left….. he kicks right. Got smart and used both hands and almost covered her whole belly…….kicked backwards!! Did this for a week!!! Val of course found this utterly amusing. After I’d give up trying to feel it and roll over she’d start giggling away because the little devil would start kicking only one spot. It would seem however the novelty wore off because now I feel it all the time. He even has a schedule. He has however found a whole new barrel of fun because he is starting the eluding kick with my Mom. Who by the way…..still says hi to Val’s belly first, and then me. Go Matthew!

It is however, probably the coolest thing in the world to feel. Val isn’t too pleased at times as we are certain he is playing rugby with his umbilical cord which has a rather hasty response from her bladder, but it doesn’t take away from the awesomness of it. Feeling a baby kick……….easlily in the top ten of cool.

So what else is new and exciting? Well we are now officially in the third tri-mester and Val is slowly approaching the “fed up” stage. She is not yet near the “get this kid out of me” Stage. And very far from the “you did this to me you will pay” stage. However being that she is in the “Fed Up” stage I have heard some rather colorful names Val has for her neutritionist. In fact the staff at the clinic in general each has thier own colorful designation ranging from ‘stupid bitch’ to ‘skanks R us’ and my personal favorite ‘Fukface Slimedog’. Her gyno she is a little more lenient with but only because this is the man who will deliver this baby and she knows it is probably a good idea to stay on his good side. As soon as this baby is born however I am nearly positive he will fall into the nebula of colorful metaphors from which there is no escape.

She is a trooper however. Despite all the new things she has had to go through for this pregnancy (which of course is all my fault, yes dear, im sorry) she is doing amazingly well, and despite the fact that she hates that she is on a diet because of the Diabetes she is following it properly. Im quite proud in truth. Word to the wise however do not attempt to steal her MR BIG! It could result in hospital time and a possible loss of limbs. And yes…there are several people out there who are concerned about the fact she still smokes. Understand that with the stresses of all the things we have had to endure…diabetes, moving, the wedding, the surgery and all the stuff we went though in the beginning of the pregnancy concerning the baby’s possible risk to health problems and positioning and upcoming actual birth her doctor has actually told her to cut down yes (Which she has) but to not even try and quit smoking entirely as the added stress of it on top of everything else could very well and probably will do more harm than good for the baby and Val in general.

Some people have told me the doctor is an idiot and stupid and doesn’t know what he is doing but In truth I figure after 8 years of Medical school and 20 years of practice not to mention the 1000′s of babies delivered and pregnant smoking women he has worked with he probably knows more about the complications that “could” or “may” be cause by smoking during a pregnancy than we do, and well…….after 7 months the baby is in perfect health and he isn’t concerned in the least. Considering one of the guys who told me he was stupid etc.. went to school for 3 years of mechanics I have decided that he can diagnose my car all he wants, but when it comes to Val and her health and the baby, Ill trust the Doctor unless he or anyone has a resume equally impressive. Thus…. bug her at your own risk…..3rd tri-mester here, its kill ask questions later!

Yup…moving along quite well. And im still alive so I must be doing something right….Except of course the toilet paper rolls. The toilet seat. Oh I forgot to get her a Mr. Big once. Bought 3 to make up for it. Still stealing pillows…. ok so I dont know what im doing right exactly but its Something! And it must be good to make up for all the things I do wrong. Besides…Val has it good….she knows dam well im wrapped around her finger and with her pregy senses I couldn’t get away with anything if I tried. And I am good for things too like:

Waking up at 7am To kill a bat flying in the house (true story)
Spilling my glass of pepsi (been on a roll with this one)
Fixing the computers.
Taking out the garbage and recycling
Very good timing when getting a drink because im there at the fridge anyway….may as well fill her glass too (I swear she waits for me)

Im also a pretty good target, especially since I usually end up opening all the doors myself and volentarily putting my own foot in my mouth and requesting salt. But Val is happy, and really…..when pregnant…that’s all that matters. Otherwise I’d be in a hell of a lot of troube!

So in conclusion of this memoir, I am sorry for taking so long but it has been a busy few weeks. Val and the baby are doing great and she is right on target. Doctors are keeping a close eye on her and as for me…….well Im hanging in there just fine. My hands and arms are a little red and stingy due to forgetting to put the toilet seat down but all in all life is good. Even if I had complaints no one would listen anyway! IE:”IM pregnant, Hormonal, and allowed” There is just no argueing that!.

Memoirs of a Pregnant dad – week 21 & 22

IT’S A BOY!!

Yup that’s right. Standing in the ultrasound room waiting patiently for the Dr to finish taking the measurements of the baby’s head and such and then he said the magic words. “It’s a boy!” It hit us all like a truck. Of course we all had different reactions!!! My Mom jumped 14 feet high and after peeling her off the ceiling she cried. Cindy was beaming a smile from cheek to cheek… finally a little brother!!……… Valerie laying on the table breathed a sigh of relief as this meant she could soon go to the bathroom. And me!!…..Even though all I really wanted was a healthy child….boy or girl didn’t matter, I gleamed, I smiled with a sense of pride……… I could feel it right then and there….the power… the releif……after living with Valerie, a step-Daughter, a female cat named Legend. Me and my boy (the other Cat) Arty have been badly outnumbered by the females and on the receiving end of PMS, female logic, and the ultimate power of female arguing wisdom. Now…… Testosterone will rival the Estrogen!! “Gillette” will take as much space as “secret”! Disposable razors will not all be pink! The toilet seat will be up as often as it is down!! YES….YES….. The hormonal balance in the house is shifting!!!

As soon as we got home I informed Arty of the incredible news and us Men retreated to the living room and scratched ourselves proudly. Soon after Valerie shook the bag of Temptation cat treats and he abandoned me. But the fact still remains the numbers will be even!! Even I tell you!!!

So its been a good couple of weeks here, things are going smooth. Val is finally buying her own T-shirts, however do not for a minute think its because she doesn’t like mine anymore….its only because slowly….over time…..they are not fitting the baby bump anymore! So it isn’t out of pity or anything ( god forbid ) its because she has no choice. But for the moment, I have my T-shirts back so I can take some mild satisfaction in this. That is until birth, because then all the T-Shirts she’s buying now will be far too big and she’ll steal mine all over again. So in the end I dont really win…..big surprise!

This week I have given Val a new Nickname. You see pregnancy brings with it all sorts of new and exciting things. The mood swings, the farting, morning sickness and all that fun stuff. Every woman is different of course and experiences these things from one extreme to the other, but then there are some things that you dont expect but probably should.

Of course with a belly now when Val sleeps getting comfy is an issue…. I mean it must be because she moves from one side to the other to her back and all over again 47 times a night when before she was asleep before she hit the pillow. As luck would have it…. the position she used to sleep in she barely uses anymore and the new 17 positions she uses all involve snoring. Of course im not sure the noise billowing forth from her nostrils can be classified as snoring but well have to live with it. It is unholy!!! I dont understand how it doesn’t hurt! The thing that surprises me the most is that she doesn’t wake herself up!! You could drop a napkin in the kitchen and she’ll wake up, but the 52 decibel fluttering nostril death banshee snore does nothing.

I sat up one night and watched her. Her face looked like she was yawning while inhaling, I mean she really gets that air in there, and then it looks like she’s blowing a kiss when exhaling. Legend foolishly crossed over her when she inhaled once and I swear the cat ran in place trying to escape but couldn’t. Suddenly she exhaled and Legend hit the dresser and knocked over Cindy’s babyteeth. Of course when Val discovered the jar of teeth on the floor in the morning she gave legend sht. Poor thing… I thought of speaking up but decided not too. I don’t think the pregnant one would have taken it too well if I told her she almost swallowed the cat and I layed there and watched wanting to see what would happen if she did. Secretly hoping the snoring would stop.

So, because of the new snoring development Ive decided to call my lovely wife the newest Decepticon SNOR-A-TRON. With fast action Fusion Snor-o-cannon. Guaranteed to wake you up!

I have also noticed that things that could not possibly be your fault, become your fault. Of course as males we are responsible for much whether we like it or not but it would be nice if things make sense. Legend this week was on the table and up to her usual attention getting trouble, playing with Val’s stuff. She knock’s something over and Val gets frustrated and has to pick it up etc. I innocently come walking into the kitchen to get a drink and Val stare’s at me with this wicked look like I should crawl in a hole or something and utters: “she gets it from you you know!”

Now my response is obvious….. how the hell could I be responsible for what the cat does!! Pregnant women have the answers. And pregnant answers require no justification. They just ARE! And should you argue their points….they will only create more answers. So in response to losing the argument that I am not responsible for the cats behavior I have tried to train Legend. Needless to say she’s training me more than anything else. But Ive learned that if I growl a certain way she will run and hide under our bed, and she will follow a red laser pointer until she keel’s over and dies. Making her chase the lazer in circles and getting her dizzy is also rather hilarious. Probably cruel….but hilarious nonetheless.

So the day before we have the ultrasound we decide it would be easier to have my Mom spend the night as opposed to picking her up in the morning. (Hades fire breathing hounds would not have stopped my mother from being there for this one. I swear to God she would have hitchhiked or worst case scenario….actually teleported if she needed too.) But no……..instead, she spends the night.

Now im pretty lucky (in a way) because the wife and the mother get along very well. But holy flipping Santa’s reindeer can these two women talk……and talk……and geez talk yet some more. Just when you think they have run out of things to talk about they find some obscure subject and start ranting about that. Everytime I went to the kitchen I felt like I was watching a tennis game. We went to bed later than usual, Val snored all night, I was a bloody zombie the next day.

The day however at the hospital was very special. I can’t even describe how I was feeling really. This isn’t something I think you can explain unless you are in the situation but wow. Seeing that baby on the vewscreen and looking like a baby at this point was really cool. (the first ultrasound the fetus looked like an Alien. So much in fact I wasn’t sure if I was indeed from Earth or not.) Watching the baby move…..the heart beat. I admit I got all watery eyed. OF course its my Mom’s fault cause she was sobbing otherwise I would have been just fine. I think Val was the only one who didn’t react cause the only thing she was thinking about at that point was how badly she had to pee.

So that’s it…..after all this time and everyone telling us its a girl, myself and a very select few people were actually right. Yes….there is no need to re-read the last sentence I said I was right!! I will pay for it and somehow be wrong later but for now I am right!!!

Needless to say…I didn’t sleep last either. Snor-a-tron was making energon cubes.

By Lee Marshall

Memoirs of A pregnant Dad – Week 20

Here we are! Week 19 and the half way mark is fast approaching. What a wonderful ride this has been. Normally I go off on rants and such and there will likely be some rather wacky mentionings in this as well but for the moment I thought it best to take a moment and lose the exaggerations and the body counts. In other words Im going to try and be a little serious for a moment and believe me……..this is not easy for a blundering nutbar like myself.

19 weeks!! Wow!! At 34 years old nearly at a point where I had given up all hope of ever becoming a father myself, I can tell you after 19 weeks of watching Val and being a part of this experience all that negativity of age and parenthood goes out the window. Yes, I do admit sometimes it can be a scary thought. Both Val and I have spoken about many things concerning the future and the aches and pains we will have. Communication however = the key. First time fathers!!! ….. Best advise I can give isn’t ducking for cover when the gas is passed or the mood swing comes around the corner and shaves off your eyebrows. Even the MR. Big takes a shelf to this…..TALK to your wife. There is a difference between watching your wife carry your child and carrying it together. Obviously “carry together” is metaphorical but educate yourself. We may not have this thing in our bellies and puke up our guts, or suffer every spectrum of the emotional bar in under 10 seconds but there are so many things we can do and the best one I’ve learned is making sure your wife knows she isn’t alone in this. Besides, she’ll be laughing 15 years from now when im approaching 50 and the child says “DAD! Lets play FOOTBALL!!”

This is important!! You ARE going to feel as though your useless at times, this is ok…half the time its true!!! It isn’t so much that your useless its more that half the time you CAN NOT help her the way you wish you could. Don’t feel so bad (Although you will, but the longer time goes on the more you will understand what Im) talking about) She already knows her limits….learn them as well and learn your own. Besides she will probably let you know when your not pulling your weight in the most loving way possible!

Of course everyone is different and I dont know everything, I mean sht this is my first time, what the hell do I know really!! But I think im holding up pretty dam good. And despite the fact that I make out Val to be a murderous lunatic at times in these memoirs she has on many occasions told me she appreciates everything I do to help out. So after 19 weeks now. Being paranoid out of my mind. Wondering if im doing anything right at all because lets face it……When she looks pissed off at you for waking up in the morning and your wondering if you should sit at the table with her or in your car instead…..You wonder!! Hearing that makes a world of difference. Although if your wife is telling you off, has never said thank you, or has actually dug a hole in your backyard…..You don’t need to wonder anything at all. You are wrong! You are STILL wrong!! and it IS YOUR GRAVE!!!

When I first started writing these memoirs they really were just for my own amusement and to make some people laugh. I only ever actually intended to write 1 or 2. Look at me now, I have fans and am getting hate mail when Im late. I have to admit these memoirs are a big part of this pregnancy for me and a means to share this experience with friends, but I really didn’t expect this kind of a reaction to them.

So…19 weeks. The baby is now 6 inch’s from head to rump. Val however believes the baby is stretched out on a couch, legs crossed and watching satellite TV. I have lifted the babies pending grounding at birth for denying me access to Val’s Boobs so early as the sensitivity is not so bad anymore. This may be no big deal for all of you but for me…..I got my boobies back and its this weeks highlight!! Its Boobie time!! ( . /\ . )

People also seem to get a kick out of the “flatuation nation” and as I said in a previous memoir these last couple of weeks have brought on some interesting sounds. So ive decided to take things a step further and name them for you….for her….and for my own personal amusement! Of course these names are not for My wonderful pregnant “Ultramar gas got nothing on me” wife alone. They really pertain to anybody, so read them and use your imagination.

The Quadruple Flutter Rumbler.
The Triple Flutter Blast (courtesy of the Admiral)
The Capt. Kirk Communicator
The Weezer
The Push Daisy Popper
The Flaming Nacho (Courtesy of Doritos)
The Galvanizing Gator Snap
The Silent Sniper (Mostly experienced from under the covers)
The Feline Nullifier
The Laughing Rat-tat-tat-er
And Finally….

The Sinking Bismarck Torpedo Lasher

**Please note….with the exception of the flaming Nacho and the feline nullifier none actually smell…. they just sound really funny!!** Available only during pregnancy so enjoy them while they last!!!

So this past weekend we went camping. After 19 weeks into the pregnancy Ive experience the ever fearful moodswing and likely will a few more before the baby blasts off but I experienced something different this weekend concerning them. See normally when you hear “Moodswing” and “Pregnant” in the same sentence you envision in your head a flying demon, breathing fire and verbally crushing whats left of your courage. Now I dont know if it was the fresh air or the fact that its 19 weeks and things are changing again but Val has developed the “One Liner” mood swing. She doesn’t yell, She doesn’t toss appliances with her mind, and she doesn’t stare through you like you should immediately know what it is she’s angry about. Instead she subtly blurts out these one liners that shut you up instantly. For example…… Cindy was bugging her about something (Yes Cindy for once Im innocent) Im not sure about what exactly but it was probably about Magic……….(Speaking of Magic. Never show your step daughter how to play this game if your wife is prego. Dont ask why…just don’t do it) So anyway…Cindy is blabbing away about something and Val suddenly turns her head and looks at her. Cindy feeling the hellfire from Val’s eyes on her face immediately stops talking and Val blurts out as calm as can be, “Silence…….Your annoying me!” Cindy knowing her cue Im assuming didnt say another word, left the picnic table and excitedly worked on the fire.

She also told me in that ever so calm one liner Moodswing voice , “If you want to live to see Monday make sure the tent doesn;t leak.” Well…It did leak…..On Cindy’s side…..Thus I was safe!! However, fairwarning first time Dad’s: Beware the one liner mood swing, they are not as violent but are effective and utterly scary.

2 More weeks before we find out the sex!!! We are very excited and can’t wait!!! 19 weeks and im still alive!!

By Lee Marshall

Memoirs of a Pregnant dad – Week 16-18

Well now…… How is everyone holding up so far? The wife is good…….very good in fact and so is the baby for those of you that sent some hate mail to me concerning the memoirs and were curious. Thank you very much for your concern! I do however feel it prudent that I should add that I AM DOING OK TOO BY THE WAY, AND THANKS FOR ASKING!!!!!! Nope, no sarcasm there!!! Im just the FATHER!!!!

The first tri-mester was great wasn’t it? Oh I had a lot of fun…… everybody congratulates you, everyone’s happy for you. Heck we were even thrown a party for it. Men…..All of that good stuff is over!!!!! The second tri-mester you are reduced even further down the ladder of laughable importance than you were before. Who knows maybe it’s just me but no one seems to care about ME anymore, its all about the MOM. Ok yes… I understand she is the one carrying the child and that is no easy thing I agree, but I swear to the gods the bigger her belly gets…..the more I fade to the back ground.

I first started noticing this at work believe it or not. People used to ask how I was doing and such etc etc…now it’s “Hey Lee, Hows the wife doing?” It then started on facebook…..messages with “So how’s Val?” nothing about me….. no hello how are YOU doing……nope…. “How’s VAL”. Then….the phone. Debbie calls, I answer… I mean its my house too I live there for crying outloud and there is no hello…… no How are you Lee……its “I dont want to talk to you!!!, Where’s VAL?” My own Mom omg. We go there to visit, I walk in the house, Val is just behind me with Cindy. I say “Hi Mom” she doesn;t even make eye contact. She whispers ‘hi lee’, walks right past me, talks to Val’s belly, gives her a big hug and kiss and smiles and.. ” How are you VAL?” My mom………. my OWN MOTHER!!.

What happened?? (Scary Music) The second TRIMESTER. Its like a horror movie preview with that guy who does all the narrating with the deep voice?

In a dangerous time…
Unexpected terror….
The SECOND TRIMESTER!
Your even more screwed than you thought you were before!
Coming soon to theater’s. Rated H for Husbands.

Yes….it has been awhile, but it has been a busy few weeks and well….i’ve just been too bloody lazy!. Lazy however does not go far when you have a pregnant wife. And remember this: it is completely ok for her to be as lazy as she wants to be. Learn this as well: DO not confuse Lazy with being tired and no matter how “tired” she is she will always have the energy to yell at you for being “lazy”! So in other words….. your screwed. You will also suddenly have many responsibilities that are entirely your own that used to be shared. Although they are for very good reasons as you dont want to risk anything to the pregnancy. These responsibilities lead to some very surprising realizations however.

For example: It is unbelievable how much 2 cats can shit when your the only one cleaning the cat litter.

You are also now responsible for keeping your wifes water glass full. Just so you know pregnant women in the second tri-mester can drink more water than a derby horse on some of the best steroids downtown Detroit can offer. Do not be surprised if when its time for the water to break 942 litres spill out.

You must buy more T-shirts……do not concern yourself if they fit you or not….. Buy the largest ones and expect to see her wearing them.

Your car must always have enough gas left for two trips to the gas station because when she says she wants a Mr. Big…..She’s not talking about you!! Go out and get the chocolate bar immediately.

If you are on an errand never “forget” to pick up the Mr Big. You can forget the milk…. bread…. even the diet cola. I can not explain what will happen to you if you forget the “MR Big” other than it will hurt.

Replace…..”IM sorry” with: “I was wrong” its just safer. If you want to know why…..say “im sorry” and dont tell me I didn’t warn you.

Along with the second trimester comes the wonderful world of increased Flatulation. Pregnant women and gas are best friggen friends. Although….things now change. See, it used to be just regular gas cause by the regular foods…. beans… spicy stuff etc etc. Now its food in general, it doesn’t matter what. Just simply food and different foods have different effects and noises. Thought Beans were bad?? Beware Doritos Oh……my……God. I dont know what the fuk happens to chocolate chip cookies going through a pregnant digestive tract but holy sht. If your wife likes to be cuddled at night (and you know they do) you will soon master the hug and dodge maneuver as opposed to the hug and roll. Small piece of advice…..let the cats sleep in the room. This will aid you with the silent ones…….when the cats meow and bolt…..quickly follow them.

Beware because your wife will think this part especially amusing. Do not however laugh at her or mock her because I learned real quick that she does not have to warn you or tell you that a bomb is about to go off. Your only screwing yourself. And do not try to keep up with her (Because we all know us men can let off some good ones) You need to eat lots of beans to do this…. she just needs to munch on a few chips and its all over. Accept defeat…it will pass…….No pun intended.

This is also the time many of the people you know in your life who have children will suddenly start laughing at you. In the first trimester these people were all smiles and shaking your hand and giving you hugs and stuff. Suddenly these people are laughing at me hysterically. One guy at work inparticular, one of our drivers Burt walks in says of course..”Hey…How’s the wife doing??, BUHAHAHAHAHAHA” (please note…even these people will no longer give a rats azz how YOUR doing anymore). “How many Weeks?” he asks…….. 19….”BUhahahahahahHAHA!!!!” People I dont know….. Rob tells his bro, “Hey man…Lee’s going to be a Dad,” At first he’s excited for me…shakes my hand and all that good stuff. “That’s great…how old are you?”…….34…”BUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”. The women will tell you its the most exciting time of your life, its a magical experience and all that stuff that makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside. The guys??? Expect a lot of BUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!!!! There is no sympathy for us in the second trimester…..and everyone will think its funny!!!

So we are now all settled in our new home. The only room that’s a disaster is the babies room but it will come along slowly. Val’s mood swings have settled down some, even though they were never really all that bad. I do feel sorry for the renovators however……being late is not an option for pregnant women. Last week I noticed 3 fresh and empty graves in the backyard, today there are only 2. I have no idea who met an untimely demise but it was probably someone with a hammer. On the bright side though we now have towel racks!

Val is still tired alot but this too isn’t as bad. Energy is coming back more and more but if you ask her what she did during the day it will usually follow with “Nothing I was lazy”. (Note: Do not question where she gets the energy to dig the graves…..one of them could be yours!)

I will Try and post the pic from the ultrasound, if you see it..GREAT!!! IF not..its because I failed. The next ultra sound is in 3 weeks…..we will find out the sex in this one. And so far im still alive…..thus I must be doing something right! Go team!!

By Lee Marshall

Memoirs of A Pregnant Dad – Week 15

Ahh, Week 15. First I must apologize for the length of the previous memoir. We just moved, there hasn’t been much time and after the 18 letters of hate mail and bodily mutilation I received for not having written one I panicked. It appears these things are popular so now Ive yet again screwed myself and I must write them, lest I be thrown to the wolves and gambled upon for how long It takes to chew me. However I must admit that I had no idea that I would ever have “fans” because of these memoirs and therefore before I continue….Thanks very much all of you. I very much enjoy writting these rediculous notes. Even if much of them is self degregation.

Well, first off we had the prenatest and are still currently waiting for results, however from everything the….the umm……the ultrasoundy person saw the baby is doing just fine and its heartbeat is perfect. Val has developed pregnancy diabetes for which she is utterly annoyed. First she had to prick her fingers 6 time a day. Then she goes to the doctor all happy hoping that she wont need to anymore because our ignorant selves thought that a blood sugar level of under 10 was ok. Turns out 7 is high, so she slumbered into the house with yet more finger pricking stuff and an insulin (Spelling) Injection Kit to go with her foul stop the press frown.

Of course you could imagine after 14 weeks of pregnancy how I reacted to this when she walked in. In truth I had no idea what to say or do. I wasn’t really scared…we all know I laugh at the face of danger!! Sneer at Doom!!! Scared?? Me???? I was bloody petrified!!! And as a result I asked probably the worst question you could ask a pregnant woman after a 3 hour doctor appointment with a full bladder…. “How’d it go?”

Just for the record Men…..Neve ask a stupid question like this. The next hour resulted in a detailed explanation of everything that happened to her. Of course you care so you don’t want to do someting dumb like change the subject. Instead I came up with the brilliant idea of Asking her to check my own blood sugar. You know….So i could see what she has to go through 6 times a day etc etc. I thought it was a thoughtful thing. Val however used this to her advantage. You see…she knew I would give no heed to the fact that Im a Bass Player and my finger tips have littel to no feeling left and that a Simple “prick” from her “Pricking device” would not do the job. And I like the feeling guilty idiot that I am fell right for it. She stabbed my finger tip 7 times before she drew blood. She thoroughly enjoyed this in fact. Of course she covered this up by “pretending” to laugh at the situation but she was in fact Heckling and utterly enjoying the look on my face whenever the needle punctured my skin!!! By the time she had her fun and squeezed my finger to draw some blood I had 7 pin pricks bleeding on my finger!!!! I was like WTH!!! THen and ONLY then did she say “Well your a Bass player!!, you should have KNOWN it wasn’t going to be easy!!”

Uh huh…once again I “should” have known the most obvious thing right?? Nope…. fell into that trap like white on rice. Thus Men….. Never ask any question begining with ” So how did it go….” It leads to guilt and blood loss!

This week we moved into our new place. The move took all of 66 minutes or so and went very well. Of course starting off the day wasn’t so hot. The first problem we had was with the truck I was supposed to get from work. See I was given permission to borrow the cube van, however when moving day showed up some other guy picked it up earlier in the morning. Now here I am with my friend Dean sitting in my car and driving off to the storage place to meet, Chris, Pat, My Mom, and yes….My wonderful Val.

Can you imagine what was going through my head at this point. I have a pregnant wife waiting at the storage place who is fully expecting us to arrive in a TRUCK!!. Dean is calm and cool and saying “its just a hiccup no worries, well get a U-Haul and it will go well.” He’s of course right, BUT he wont be at the receiving end of a vicious, hormonal, pregnant Lion Mood swing now will he??? I honestly thought I would not live to see the new house. I fully Expected Val to tear me a new one and say all the usual things Like “I TOLD YOU!!”, “YOU DIDN’T THINK”, “YOU SHOULD HAVE!”, ” YOU YOU YOU”, “YOUR GROUNDED”, ” NO PS3 FOR A WEEK”, You know…… Fetal position await beating.

Heh….Nope…she agreed with DEAN!! What are the chances I mean OMG!! Granted im happy as hell I still have a shimming linger of a manhood but still. I was so freaking scared and paranoid and she did NOTHING!!!!! I swear to God women do this on purpose just to keep our blood pressure high. Now you all may think I over reacted just a little……but if you think thats over reacting eat the last bit of Ice cream in the house and say something retarted like “We’ll buy more” and see how you fare!!! Then show up without a truck on moving day and tell me you won’t shit your pants 6 shades of brown on the way to the pregnant wife!!!

The new house……It’s wonderful. Of course to avoid my opinion meaning a thing during the initail set up after everything was unloaded Val waited until I left to return the Rented truck. Chris and I had a good time and Dont think TARA that I was not aware that the Tim hortons stop for YOU was nothing less that a stall tactic to give Val MORE time to push my opinion over the fence!!. The sad thing is my friend Chris came with me and I firmly beleive he has dirty thoughts about Tim Hortons and drinking its coffee is some sexual adventure for him. The man is more addicted that flies to sht!!

One great thing I must admit is that a pregnant Woman can do dishes like no tomorrow. Val got her hands on 4 boxes of dishes and glass stuff etc etc and in 32 mintes had them all washed and put away. During this time I think I unpacked a box of DVD’s and was still trying to put them in Alphabetical order.

Now is the return of the snap mood swing. Week 15…. Men have a say in very little. I tried to close the window in the Kitchen and Val swiftly bugged her eyes from her head and said in a semi-demonic voice ” WTF are you doing” and returned to her seat. Once my balls returned to thier position I apologized and opened the window again. Trying further to make up for my lack of unpacking speed Val mentioned that she has a sweet tooth and so I lovingly offered her My caramilk bar that was in the fridge. Once again the Demonic voice returned and uttered ‘ ITS NOT A MR. BIG!!”

Men…you just can’t win….And at week 15 there is very little you can do right or fast enough. This is the cocoon period. You must sally forth and endure. The energy returns and do not be foolish and think that you can outsmart her!! Roll with the punches (Which if you are lucky will only be 5 to 15) and remember that the fetal position is the safest position for you. Remember this quote:

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.”

Desmond Morris

We should be getting the results for the prenatest soon and Val is doing her diabetes treatments like clockwork. Seriously Val is taking things very well and both of us are as happy as can be with the way things are going. Wekk 15 brought up some new changes and returned some old habits but all in all things are fantastic!. See you all later.

By Lee Marshall

Memoirs Of A Pregnant Dad- Week 13-14

Nope…I did not forget. We’ve just been preparing to move and I’ve been a little busy packing and such. Yes I know that most of the women in my life will tell me that this is no excuse but if you like you can argue with the pregnant wife…. yes I know this is likely futile for me but don’t tell me your not thinking twice!

So I’ve learned some things these past couple of weeks. This may come as a suprise for most of you but these are not the lessons that everyday man must accustom himself too. I have had many lessons of marriage 101 from Tracy and Tim, but nothing can prepare a man for (scary music) Pregnancy!!!! I have made a list of the 5 prime rules a man must follow for pregnancy. Men…some may seem rediculous and the women will laugh at me but beleive me, you’ll thank me for it!!!

RULE 1: Never Challenge the pregnant one. Under no circumstances tell her that “You Think” something is not a good idea, or that “She can’t” do something. This will result in several bruises and mild verbal abuse measuring to the effect of “fuk you” and “Your not gonna tell me…”

RULE 2: If the cat is in the Vacinity of the pregnant one and “looks” like it may make its way to the pregant one Do NOT pick up said Cat and begin to pet it! This cat was clearly on its way to say hello to the pregnant one and you WILL receive a verbal lashing for interfering!!!

RULE 3: If you thought you were wrong before, there is no Websters definition for how wrong you are now! Expect the worst and hope for the best!.

RULE 4: Always have the internet or computer turned on and ready. Learn how to stall accordingly!!! When in doubt…RUN. The most obscure question will come forth from the pregnant ones mouth and “I don’t know” is not an acceptable answer and time is sensitive!!

RULE 5: This one is important. Write stuff down. No matter how minute. She WILL ask a question pertaining to some lost artifact that is in your house and she WILL fully expect you to know where it is. You MUST have an aswer!!! If you have no clue…inform her you have no clue…and the color draws from her face my friend there is nothing I can do to save you. NOTE: Sometimes she will play with your head and play like its completely ok, beware of this…for the next time will result in much guilt.

Follow these rules as though they are the bible……Rememeber GOD created the earth and life in 7 days!! He did not have to deal with a woman for 9 months. Considering Man was created in his image I think us men can completley understand why he decided to skip that part!!! It must be great being Devine, but we are not…..thus….follow the rules!!!!

Your wife will develop some strange habits. Of course when these habits are brought to thier attention there will be a completely obvious excuse that you “should have known” for them. These are not obvious to you but you will be made to feel that the rest of the world is well aware of these reasons. IE: Val for some reason suddenly always….and I mean always..wears a hat. I wear a hat all the time yes but when Im home I take it off etc etc……Val….will wake up, put a hat on and NEVER take it off. Why? Her Words: ” My Hair feels better with it on”, “I have a headache”, “It’s Cold”, Analyzing these answers I can find find no significant relation to them and a baseball cap BUT for those in doubt…see rule # 3.

14 weeks is the end of the first Tri-mester, start of the second. See I know this because I get an E-mail from Baby Center Canada ( I love you Catherine) and therfore if you think im wrong its the internet and not my fault!!! Val has developed an extremly colorful vocabulary, mild violent mood swings and there have only beeen 14 bodies i’ve had to bury..( by the way Deb…next cat that dies….NOT to the left of the tree, and ignore the hole under Dad’s stairs!! ) Things are good. As per baby center Canada these are a reletively uneventful 2 weeks in terms of mood and tempermant. The pregnant one will not experience much change and I must agree, however the baby itself has doubled in size and is starting to kick (although she won’t feel it) and suck on it’s thumb. Week 15 promises much but well get to that in good time, and yes…I do have the ultrasound’ pictures so I am not in jail but I do need to scan them. Tim being the only friend I know who has a scanner does not currently have it hooked up. So ( and I need your help) I need to wait for TIM to re-connect his scanner so I can scan the pictures and attach them to a memoir. Therefore Tim is the only one tagged in this memoir of easy access for al you readers to send him a message so he can hook it up and I can scan it!!

I am fully aware that I will pay for this Tim but you have to admit it was a goooooood plan!!!! Provided of course people co-operate which……sadly….when it comes to me……Doubtful!!

Week 15 coming soon, will be a long one I think…I have many notes! BTW, Val is showing much more and is adorable!!

Memoirs Of A Pregnant Dad- week 11-12

It was a warm night, quite and comfortable. We had just finished watching a movie in fact and had decided to go to bed. You all know the rest…..getting ready, brushing teeth, The comforts of pillow talk before closing your eyes and letting the slumber take you off to dream land. When Suddenly!!! A voice fills the darkness of our bedroom!. The voice of my soon to be wife which utters……… “You know why we get pregnant eh?? To put you men through 9 months of HELL!!!”

Fear took me…..I grasped on to my pillow as a 6 year old child afraid to move because mommy wasn’t finished yelling at him. Sweat was on my brow as the shadows of doom lingered in the sudden cold air. Eyes closed…..teeth clenched…………. I waited for the hammer to fall. Instead however Val felt it prudent to extend my fearful torment. Laughter……. laughter filled the cold bed chamber, reducing the pitiful traces of courage I had left to mere memory. And then silence.
4 seconds later Val was snoring like a trucker.

Aside from the select few mood swings that resulted in violence and several deaths, Val has actually been pretty good in this department. Atleast not as bad as I expected so far. Of course there is an opposite for everything as there is also the occasional emotional reaction! . I saw the first of these this week thanks to Vals favorite channel of Animal planet. Cute little Lion Cubs and Bears who didn’t “make it” or had to be put down and she is crying away. She hides it pretty well trying not to let me notice but I have. Of course she gives no heed to the 6 men these bears and lions ate for breakfast, and the 2 poor bastards they chewed on for lunch but she feels for the animals! Im not sure its healthy really but if anyone thinks I should say someting your out of your friggen mind! I might end up on the chewing end of a pregnant Lion during a “Mood Swing” and be a front page headline.

Another thing that isn’t really new but Val has taken to a whole new astronomic level of Wife clause. My Clothes, I no longer own T-shirts and I have no idea what she does with them. Not only does she wear them…..when she’s done with them she hides them!!! I watched her fold them after a load of laundry and she put 6 of my T-shirts in HER dresser!!!! When I said “wth??” She looked at me utterly serious and said, “Well, its easier than going in your drawer!!!!”. And then some rediculous justification of “I dont want to wake you up when Im getting ready in the morning”. This is of course verbal diarea, she knows god dam well A tank could drive through the room and I wouldn’t Budge. DId I have the courage to argue??? Wish I could say yes, but no…. I hung my head low and accepted defeat while I loaded up Quake wars to kill virtual people to try and feel better about myself.

So I get an idea when its my turn to do some loads of laundry. I folded all the T-shirts I had left up and put them ALL in different drawers. Did it work? Absolutely NOT! She found them all like she knew it all along. I even put some in the side dresser near the bed and she found those too. She’s like a T-shirt bloodhound!!!! I stuffed my Van Halen T-shirt between the matresses of our bed and she was wearing it the NEXT DAY!!! Most women steal your sweaters…..No.. My sweaters suck or something its my T-shirts she loves!!! I mentioned during lunch the other day that I need to go and buy more T-shirts cause Ive lost all mine and dont know where they are and she silently Cheered! She even did the fist pump like she just scored a goal. This has taught me that Cravings do not just consist of Foods! But of Really weird habits! My name is Lee Marshall, and I am a victim of Grand Theft T-shirt!

We are nearing the end of the first Tri-mester. Val this week is slowly getting her energy back which is a good thing……Of course whether its a good thing or not for me has yet to be decided as more energy will likely mean my opinion goes from on the fence to over the balcony but we’ll see.

Lately we are both very excited about moving, we can’t wait to get started with the painting and stuff and have been boucning ideas back and forth concerning the baby’s room. Needless to say, Prego has over ruled my ideas for the first “Purcase’s” for the house. So we will be buying whatever she feels we “need” as opposed to what I “Want”. Im very upset by this but we all know I lost before I even tried to justify our “need” for shamwows and a deluxe waffle machine.

The greatest thing about these past couple of weeks is Val is showing!!! So of Course I can’t keep my hands off the belly and talking to it. I also have rather red hands cause they tend to wander upstairs from time to time and then of course Im banned from the belly…..I have been belly banned 4 times now but Im learning…..slowly.

Next week she goes for the Prenatest…..looking forward to that cause we get to see everything and hear the heartbeat!!!!! I will also beat the living hell out of the technician if we dont get a picture this time, So the next memoire might be from jail but there WILL be a picture from the ultrasound!!!

Go Team!

By Lee Marshall

Memoirs of a Pregnant Dad- week 9-10

Pregnancy (As per Websters Dictionary)
Noun:
1. The state of being pregnant; the period from conception to birth when a woman carries a developing fetus in her uterus.

A man wrote this….had to have been. Far too simple. This man is probably single, never been kissed, and as attractive as a used eraser!. Men like this are the reason most of us have no concept of what being pregnant is all about. Thus let us explore what they left out from the things I have witnessed watching Val over the last 11 weeks.

1) May or may not puke your guts up at any given moment. We call it “Morning Sickness” to throw you off. Consider this a suprise in the “afternoon”
2) Expect to cry at several commercials ranging from Crest toothpaste to movie previews.
3) Farting will become a new and exciting game in the house. Expect lots of giggling and sudden movement….especially under the covers.
4) Will use pregnancy as an excuse for hubby to get drinks from the kitchen and snacks from the pantry. Men…do not be suprised if after 5 weeks it goes from.. “honey can you get me…. ” to “Ahem”!
5) Will repeat many words such as Grapefruit… Inches… Sorry I farted… and afore mentioned “Ahem”
6) falling asleep in 3.435 seconds is not abnormal.

Thankfully my Wonderful soon to be wife, mother of my child is not experiencing the morning sickness at all, and I have yet to hear the word which carries many sentences and requests into one…”Ahem”. However she is constantly tired. When I come home from work she is usually laying on the couch curled up all comfy and snoring away with out a care in the world. She can fall asleep at the drop of a dime. There was one time she was at the computer, went to the kitchen, poured some milk and returned to the livingroom where I firmly beleive she was asleep the whole time. Don’t ask me how she did it but I was quite impressed. I even thought of asking her if she can get me a bowl of ice cream while she was up just to see if it was a fluke but decided not too. Besides…..even asleep…..she would know! And then she’d tell Tara and Debbie and my Mom about the horrible things I did and I’d receive a sound flogging!

There were two sudden mood swings so far. Nothing serious but..”zero to gremlin from abyss of doom” comparrison was not far from the truth. Driving to Samantha and Jason’s on saturday we hit some traffic. Still dont’ know why but I was annoyed. Now I was looking out the window talking to the traffic and happened to say outloud “What the hell is this???”‘ For some reason Val looked at me and said “DONT YELL AT ME!!!” I cowered, and said as my voice cracked “I wasn’t!” I swear I saw horns…….but Im still not sure…..far all I know she was asleep.

The second sudden snap I have to admit was kinda my fault. I have been torturing her with episodes of the Sopranos and lets just say she let me know E-x-a-c-t-l-y how she feels about the Sopranos. Suddenly we were watching Animal Planet because I was too scared shtless to keep the DVD in the Machine. I do not doubt for a second that she could have melted the DVD with her mind and launched Fireballs at me from her nostils.

1 to 3 seconds of Demonspawn and then she goes back to her regular self. Hearing about it is one thing…. Being on the recieving end is a totally different ball game my friends. This is a whole new meaning of fear…. I don’t care how tough any guy thinks he is, when your pregnant wife goes off on a mood swing you are reduced to a cowering meatball of manhood from which there is no excape. If you think for one second ‘that won’t happen to me…Ill tell her when she’s out of line’, or whatever foolish justification you think will work, I got news for you pal! Pregnant > you. End of story!

And then of course my mind wandered and I started to think of women like “Zap” from american gladiators, and “Chyna” from WWE. I feel so sorry if any man ever gets those women pregnant. A mood swing will not merely consist of a scream but will conclude with a body slam though the coffee table and a flying elbow off the dryer. Then she’ll cry and aplogize. Wtf is that poor bastard going to do?? Tell her she over reacted??? No! He’s going to have no choice but to say “Its ok baby I know its just the hormones” while relocating his shoulder cracking whats left of his back and changing his underwear! In Leiu of this I am very happy that My honey is Valerie, a normal woman. And not a 6 foot 6 Amazon Hulk Beast wrestler named “Killer!”.

Extras: Val is doing very good still. Starting to show a little bit too which I can’t stop staring at and touching but anyway….Her doctor says all is going very well so far. He even tried to see if we could hear the heartbeat with the……the um…….the Super-ultra-listening-device-thingy. Apparently 10 weeks is the earliest you coud hear it. But after several minutes and the look on Vals face that the doctor must of recognized as “if you poke and prod me any longer I will slug you” he said he was sorry but could not find the heartbeat.

We have a few appointments coming up wthin the month which will tell us a lot more of how the baby is doing and possibly will hear the heartbeat then. And if were lucky, find out the sex. Will of course Keep you all posted!!

By Lee Marshall

Memoirs of A Pregnant Dad-Week 8

Yes week 8…. no I did not skip 7 weeks I am just using the correct amount of weeks that we are…..excuse me… that VAL is pregnant so I will continue the memoirs accordingly.

The last 2 -3 weeks have been interesting….Thanks to Catherine I am now addicted to Baby Center Canada. However despite the fact that I am paranoid about everything it is probably the greatest site I have ever seen for lunatic new expecting Dad’s. It really puts to rest the falsehoods about many ‘Old wives Tales’ or non truths about pregnancy. A wealth of information also to help anyone who is pregnant, (Even that chick in the states who has 17 children or so would have learned a thing or two, however the section on birth control obviously would have been beyond her comprehension). If your pregnant take a peek, it really helps and thank you Catherine =). Thanks to my addiction I am now dangling rings from strings over her belly in order to figure out what sex the baby is. Checking to see if her pillow faces north or south for the same silly reasons and buying an abundance of Milk for her to drink. Oh what Fun!!.. IM not to sure Val is enjoying my silly behavior very much but Im full of glee!!!

Val herself is experiencing some changes, and oh so evident ones!!! Although she isn’t experiencing any morning sickness which Im thankful for. Nothing is worse than watching or hearing someone puke….especially when your gag factor in this situation is little to non existant i’d be puking right beside her. (Now isn;t that love!) Of course the one thing she’s expriencing in a profound way is of course the worst possible thing that can happen! Sensitive Boobs!!! This is mild torture now….. but you see it gets worse! Soon there will be NO TOUCHY at all!! Remember that commercial with guy laying on his lawn with the water hose talking to a weed? “Want it? Can’t have it!” This is starting…..Ive cried twice! Im very upset….of all the things!! Why couldnt this wait. This is just the beginning too, because as the weeks go by it gets worse! And it doesn’t stop at birth….. Once that happens the Kid gets them all to himself!!!. Selfish brat….As soon as that child is born it’s grounded with no TV!! I am denied Boobies and all must know my pain!!

The second noticable difference is her driving. No you dont understand, her driving itself is fine…. its her Vocal’s. Now we’ve all yelled at other cars, given the finger, muttered under our breathe at other people but Val has taken this to a whole new level. During the last two weeks I have witnessed unforseen horrors.
“BITCH!!”, “TURN YOU IDIOT!!” “EVER HEAR OF A FLASHER!!!!!” “WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO DRIVE YOU HEEDLESS SIMPLETON”, “MY KITCHEN TABLE CAN DRIVE BETTER THAN YOU!” “OH YOU WANT SOME!!!! ILL STAB YOU WITH A TOOHBRUSH!!!” “AZZHOLE” “ITS CALLED A GAS PEDAL..HERE’S AN IDEA….. PUSH IT!!!” “IM PREGO DON’T MESS!!” “PICK A LANE FUKNUT!” “CRASH TEST THIS, ITS NOT MY TRUCK!!” . Now this may seem normal, but all this is during the 8 minutes we are actually driving during our lunch hour!! I can only imagine the profane slander that exits her mouth when she’s alone!!! This frightens me really because if this is just the begining of the emotional roller coaster than the future promises Sweetypie to Gremlin from the Abyss of Doom in under 3 seconds. So if you come to visit and im in the fetal position cowering in a corner don’t ask questions. Just ignore me Ill be ok.

On a serious note however we had the first ultra sound and the fear that the baby could be in her tube is gone. Baby is smack in the middle where it should be and everything is a green light. Doctor also gave her a “confimation of pregnancy” which I laughed at. Trust me……. I know. Boob withdrawl here!! Yes…she is indeed Pregnant!!

Needless to say…… I did the driving.

By Lee Marshall