Ahh, Week 15. First I must apologize for the length of the previous memoir. We just moved, there hasn’t been much time and after the 18 letters of hate mail and bodily mutilation I received for not having written one I panicked. It appears these things are popular so now Ive yet again screwed myself and I must write them, lest I be thrown to the wolves and gambled upon for how long It takes to chew me. However I must admit that I had no idea that I would ever have “fans” because of these memoirs and therefore before I continue….Thanks very much all of you. I very much enjoy writting these rediculous notes. Even if much of them is self degregation.

Well, first off we had the prenatest and are still currently waiting for results, however from everything the….the umm……the ultrasoundy person saw the baby is doing just fine and its heartbeat is perfect. Val has developed pregnancy diabetes for which she is utterly annoyed. First she had to prick her fingers 6 time a day. Then she goes to the doctor all happy hoping that she wont need to anymore because our ignorant selves thought that a blood sugar level of under 10 was ok. Turns out 7 is high, so she slumbered into the house with yet more finger pricking stuff and an insulin (Spelling) Injection Kit to go with her foul stop the press frown.

Of course you could imagine after 14 weeks of pregnancy how I reacted to this when she walked in. In truth I had no idea what to say or do. I wasn’t really scared…we all know I laugh at the face of danger!! Sneer at Doom!!! Scared?? Me???? I was bloody petrified!!! And as a result I asked probably the worst question you could ask a pregnant woman after a 3 hour doctor appointment with a full bladder…. “How’d it go?”

Just for the record Men…..Neve ask a stupid question like this. The next hour resulted in a detailed explanation of everything that happened to her. Of course you care so you don’t want to do someting dumb like change the subject. Instead I came up with the brilliant idea of Asking her to check my own blood sugar. You know….So i could see what she has to go through 6 times a day etc etc. I thought it was a thoughtful thing. Val however used this to her advantage. You see…she knew I would give no heed to the fact that Im a Bass Player and my finger tips have littel to no feeling left and that a Simple “prick” from her “Pricking device” would not do the job. And I like the feeling guilty idiot that I am fell right for it. She stabbed my finger tip 7 times before she drew blood. She thoroughly enjoyed this in fact. Of course she covered this up by “pretending” to laugh at the situation but she was in fact Heckling and utterly enjoying the look on my face whenever the needle punctured my skin!!! By the time she had her fun and squeezed my finger to draw some blood I had 7 pin pricks bleeding on my finger!!!! I was like WTH!!! THen and ONLY then did she say “Well your a Bass player!!, you should have KNOWN it wasn’t going to be easy!!”

Uh huh…once again I “should” have known the most obvious thing right?? Nope…. fell into that trap like white on rice. Thus Men….. Never ask any question begining with ” So how did it go….” It leads to guilt and blood loss!

This week we moved into our new place. The move took all of 66 minutes or so and went very well. Of course starting off the day wasn’t so hot. The first problem we had was with the truck I was supposed to get from work. See I was given permission to borrow the cube van, however when moving day showed up some other guy picked it up earlier in the morning. Now here I am with my friend Dean sitting in my car and driving off to the storage place to meet, Chris, Pat, My Mom, and yes….My wonderful Val.

Can you imagine what was going through my head at this point. I have a pregnant wife waiting at the storage place who is fully expecting us to arrive in a TRUCK!!. Dean is calm and cool and saying “its just a hiccup no worries, well get a U-Haul and it will go well.” He’s of course right, BUT he wont be at the receiving end of a vicious, hormonal, pregnant Lion Mood swing now will he??? I honestly thought I would not live to see the new house. I fully Expected Val to tear me a new one and say all the usual things Like “I TOLD YOU!!”, “YOU DIDN’T THINK”, “YOU SHOULD HAVE!”, ” YOU YOU YOU”, “YOUR GROUNDED”, ” NO PS3 FOR A WEEK”, You know…… Fetal position await beating.

Heh….Nope…she agreed with DEAN!! What are the chances I mean OMG!! Granted im happy as hell I still have a shimming linger of a manhood but still. I was so freaking scared and paranoid and she did NOTHING!!!!! I swear to God women do this on purpose just to keep our blood pressure high. Now you all may think I over reacted just a little……but if you think thats over reacting eat the last bit of Ice cream in the house and say something retarted like “We’ll buy more” and see how you fare!!! Then show up without a truck on moving day and tell me you won’t shit your pants 6 shades of brown on the way to the pregnant wife!!!

The new house……It’s wonderful. Of course to avoid my opinion meaning a thing during the initail set up after everything was unloaded Val waited until I left to return the Rented truck. Chris and I had a good time and Dont think TARA that I was not aware that the Tim hortons stop for YOU was nothing less that a stall tactic to give Val MORE time to push my opinion over the fence!!. The sad thing is my friend Chris came with me and I firmly beleive he has dirty thoughts about Tim Hortons and drinking its coffee is some sexual adventure for him. The man is more addicted that flies to sht!!

One great thing I must admit is that a pregnant Woman can do dishes like no tomorrow. Val got her hands on 4 boxes of dishes and glass stuff etc etc and in 32 mintes had them all washed and put away. During this time I think I unpacked a box of DVD’s and was still trying to put them in Alphabetical order.

Now is the return of the snap mood swing. Week 15…. Men have a say in very little. I tried to close the window in the Kitchen and Val swiftly bugged her eyes from her head and said in a semi-demonic voice ” WTF are you doing” and returned to her seat. Once my balls returned to thier position I apologized and opened the window again. Trying further to make up for my lack of unpacking speed Val mentioned that she has a sweet tooth and so I lovingly offered her My caramilk bar that was in the fridge. Once again the Demonic voice returned and uttered ‘ ITS NOT A MR. BIG!!”

Men…you just can’t win….And at week 15 there is very little you can do right or fast enough. This is the cocoon period. You must sally forth and endure. The energy returns and do not be foolish and think that you can outsmart her!! Roll with the punches (Which if you are lucky will only be 5 to 15) and remember that the fetal position is the safest position for you. Remember this quote:

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.”

Desmond Morris

We should be getting the results for the prenatest soon and Val is doing her diabetes treatments like clockwork. Seriously Val is taking things very well and both of us are as happy as can be with the way things are going. Wekk 15 brought up some new changes and returned some old habits but all in all things are fantastic!. See you all later.

By Lee Marshall

Nope…I did not forget. We’ve just been preparing to move and I’ve been a little busy packing and such. Yes I know that most of the women in my life will tell me that this is no excuse but if you like you can argue with the pregnant wife…. yes I know this is likely futile for me but don’t tell me your not thinking twice!

So I’ve learned some things these past couple of weeks. This may come as a suprise for most of you but these are not the lessons that everyday man must accustom himself too. I have had many lessons of marriage 101 from Tracy and Tim, but nothing can prepare a man for (scary music) Pregnancy!!!! I have made a list of the 5 prime rules a man must follow for pregnancy. Men…some may seem rediculous and the women will laugh at me but beleive me, you’ll thank me for it!!!

RULE 1: Never Challenge the pregnant one. Under no circumstances tell her that “You Think” something is not a good idea, or that “She can’t” do something. This will result in several bruises and mild verbal abuse measuring to the effect of “fuk you” and “Your not gonna tell me…”

RULE 2: If the cat is in the Vacinity of the pregnant one and “looks” like it may make its way to the pregant one Do NOT pick up said Cat and begin to pet it! This cat was clearly on its way to say hello to the pregnant one and you WILL receive a verbal lashing for interfering!!!

RULE 3: If you thought you were wrong before, there is no Websters definition for how wrong you are now! Expect the worst and hope for the best!.

RULE 4: Always have the internet or computer turned on and ready. Learn how to stall accordingly!!! When in doubt…RUN. The most obscure question will come forth from the pregnant ones mouth and “I don’t know” is not an acceptable answer and time is sensitive!!

RULE 5: This one is important. Write stuff down. No matter how minute. She WILL ask a question pertaining to some lost artifact that is in your house and she WILL fully expect you to know where it is. You MUST have an aswer!!! If you have no clue…inform her you have no clue…and the color draws from her face my friend there is nothing I can do to save you. NOTE: Sometimes she will play with your head and play like its completely ok, beware of this…for the next time will result in much guilt.

Follow these rules as though they are the bible……Rememeber GOD created the earth and life in 7 days!! He did not have to deal with a woman for 9 months. Considering Man was created in his image I think us men can completley understand why he decided to skip that part!!! It must be great being Devine, but we are not…..thus….follow the rules!!!!

Your wife will develop some strange habits. Of course when these habits are brought to thier attention there will be a completely obvious excuse that you “should have known” for them. These are not obvious to you but you will be made to feel that the rest of the world is well aware of these reasons. IE: Val for some reason suddenly always….and I mean always..wears a hat. I wear a hat all the time yes but when Im home I take it off etc etc……Val….will wake up, put a hat on and NEVER take it off. Why? Her Words: ” My Hair feels better with it on”, “I have a headache”, “It’s Cold”, Analyzing these answers I can find find no significant relation to them and a baseball cap BUT for those in doubt…see rule # 3.

14 weeks is the end of the first Tri-mester, start of the second. See I know this because I get an E-mail from Baby Center Canada ( I love you Catherine) and therfore if you think im wrong its the internet and not my fault!!! Val has developed an extremly colorful vocabulary, mild violent mood swings and there have only beeen 14 bodies i’ve had to bury..( by the way Deb…next cat that dies….NOT to the left of the tree, and ignore the hole under Dad’s stairs!! ) Things are good. As per baby center Canada these are a reletively uneventful 2 weeks in terms of mood and tempermant. The pregnant one will not experience much change and I must agree, however the baby itself has doubled in size and is starting to kick (although she won’t feel it) and suck on it’s thumb. Week 15 promises much but well get to that in good time, and yes…I do have the ultrasound’ pictures so I am not in jail but I do need to scan them. Tim being the only friend I know who has a scanner does not currently have it hooked up. So ( and I need your help) I need to wait for TIM to re-connect his scanner so I can scan the pictures and attach them to a memoir. Therefore Tim is the only one tagged in this memoir of easy access for al you readers to send him a message so he can hook it up and I can scan it!!

I am fully aware that I will pay for this Tim but you have to admit it was a goooooood plan!!!! Provided of course people co-operate which……sadly….when it comes to me……Doubtful!!

Week 15 coming soon, will be a long one I think…I have many notes! BTW, Val is showing much more and is adorable!!

It was a warm night, quite and comfortable. We had just finished watching a movie in fact and had decided to go to bed. You all know the rest…..getting ready, brushing teeth, The comforts of pillow talk before closing your eyes and letting the slumber take you off to dream land. When Suddenly!!! A voice fills the darkness of our bedroom!. The voice of my soon to be wife which utters……… “You know why we get pregnant eh?? To put you men through 9 months of HELL!!!”

Fear took me…..I grasped on to my pillow as a 6 year old child afraid to move because mommy wasn’t finished yelling at him. Sweat was on my brow as the shadows of doom lingered in the sudden cold air. Eyes closed…..teeth clenched…………. I waited for the hammer to fall. Instead however Val felt it prudent to extend my fearful torment. Laughter……. laughter filled the cold bed chamber, reducing the pitiful traces of courage I had left to mere memory. And then silence.
4 seconds later Val was snoring like a trucker.

Aside from the select few mood swings that resulted in violence and several deaths, Val has actually been pretty good in this department. Atleast not as bad as I expected so far. Of course there is an opposite for everything as there is also the occasional emotional reaction! . I saw the first of these this week thanks to Vals favorite channel of Animal planet. Cute little Lion Cubs and Bears who didn’t “make it” or had to be put down and she is crying away. She hides it pretty well trying not to let me notice but I have. Of course she gives no heed to the 6 men these bears and lions ate for breakfast, and the 2 poor bastards they chewed on for lunch but she feels for the animals! Im not sure its healthy really but if anyone thinks I should say someting your out of your friggen mind! I might end up on the chewing end of a pregnant Lion during a “Mood Swing” and be a front page headline.

Another thing that isn’t really new but Val has taken to a whole new astronomic level of Wife clause. My Clothes, I no longer own T-shirts and I have no idea what she does with them. Not only does she wear them…..when she’s done with them she hides them!!! I watched her fold them after a load of laundry and she put 6 of my T-shirts in HER dresser!!!! When I said “wth??” She looked at me utterly serious and said, “Well, its easier than going in your drawer!!!!”. And then some rediculous justification of “I dont want to wake you up when Im getting ready in the morning”. This is of course verbal diarea, she knows god dam well A tank could drive through the room and I wouldn’t Budge. DId I have the courage to argue??? Wish I could say yes, but no…. I hung my head low and accepted defeat while I loaded up Quake wars to kill virtual people to try and feel better about myself.

So I get an idea when its my turn to do some loads of laundry. I folded all the T-shirts I had left up and put them ALL in different drawers. Did it work? Absolutely NOT! She found them all like she knew it all along. I even put some in the side dresser near the bed and she found those too. She’s like a T-shirt bloodhound!!!! I stuffed my Van Halen T-shirt between the matresses of our bed and she was wearing it the NEXT DAY!!! Most women steal your sweaters…..No.. My sweaters suck or something its my T-shirts she loves!!! I mentioned during lunch the other day that I need to go and buy more T-shirts cause Ive lost all mine and dont know where they are and she silently Cheered! She even did the fist pump like she just scored a goal. This has taught me that Cravings do not just consist of Foods! But of Really weird habits! My name is Lee Marshall, and I am a victim of Grand Theft T-shirt!

We are nearing the end of the first Tri-mester. Val this week is slowly getting her energy back which is a good thing……Of course whether its a good thing or not for me has yet to be decided as more energy will likely mean my opinion goes from on the fence to over the balcony but we’ll see.

Lately we are both very excited about moving, we can’t wait to get started with the painting and stuff and have been boucning ideas back and forth concerning the baby’s room. Needless to say, Prego has over ruled my ideas for the first “Purcase’s” for the house. So we will be buying whatever she feels we “need” as opposed to what I “Want”. Im very upset by this but we all know I lost before I even tried to justify our “need” for shamwows and a deluxe waffle machine.

The greatest thing about these past couple of weeks is Val is showing!!! So of Course I can’t keep my hands off the belly and talking to it. I also have rather red hands cause they tend to wander upstairs from time to time and then of course Im banned from the belly…..I have been belly banned 4 times now but Im learning…..slowly.

Next week she goes for the Prenatest…..looking forward to that cause we get to see everything and hear the heartbeat!!!!! I will also beat the living hell out of the technician if we dont get a picture this time, So the next memoire might be from jail but there WILL be a picture from the ultrasound!!!

Go Team!

By Lee Marshall