Memoirs of a Pregnant dad – week 21 & 22

IT’S A BOY!!

Yup that’s right. Standing in the ultrasound room waiting patiently for the Dr to finish taking the measurements of the baby’s head and such and then he said the magic words. “It’s a boy!” It hit us all like a truck. Of course we all had different reactions!!! My Mom jumped 14 feet high and after peeling her off the ceiling she cried. Cindy was beaming a smile from cheek to cheek… finally a little brother!!……… Valerie laying on the table breathed a sigh of relief as this meant she could soon go to the bathroom. And me!!…..Even though all I really wanted was a healthy child….boy or girl didn’t matter, I gleamed, I smiled with a sense of pride……… I could feel it right then and there….the power… the releif……after living with Valerie, a step-Daughter, a female cat named Legend. Me and my boy (the other Cat) Arty have been badly outnumbered by the females and on the receiving end of PMS, female logic, and the ultimate power of female arguing wisdom. Now…… Testosterone will rival the Estrogen!! “Gillette” will take as much space as “secret”! Disposable razors will not all be pink! The toilet seat will be up as often as it is down!! YES….YES….. The hormonal balance in the house is shifting!!!

As soon as we got home I informed Arty of the incredible news and us Men retreated to the living room and scratched ourselves proudly. Soon after Valerie shook the bag of Temptation cat treats and he abandoned me. But the fact still remains the numbers will be even!! Even I tell you!!!

So its been a good couple of weeks here, things are going smooth. Val is finally buying her own T-shirts, however do not for a minute think its because she doesn’t like mine anymore….its only because slowly….over time…..they are not fitting the baby bump anymore! So it isn’t out of pity or anything ( god forbid ) its because she has no choice. But for the moment, I have my T-shirts back so I can take some mild satisfaction in this. That is until birth, because then all the T-Shirts she’s buying now will be far too big and she’ll steal mine all over again. So in the end I dont really win…..big surprise!

This week I have given Val a new Nickname. You see pregnancy brings with it all sorts of new and exciting things. The mood swings, the farting, morning sickness and all that fun stuff. Every woman is different of course and experiences these things from one extreme to the other, but then there are some things that you dont expect but probably should.

Of course with a belly now when Val sleeps getting comfy is an issue…. I mean it must be because she moves from one side to the other to her back and all over again 47 times a night when before she was asleep before she hit the pillow. As luck would have it…. the position she used to sleep in she barely uses anymore and the new 17 positions she uses all involve snoring. Of course im not sure the noise billowing forth from her nostrils can be classified as snoring but well have to live with it. It is unholy!!! I dont understand how it doesn’t hurt! The thing that surprises me the most is that she doesn’t wake herself up!! You could drop a napkin in the kitchen and she’ll wake up, but the 52 decibel fluttering nostril death banshee snore does nothing.

I sat up one night and watched her. Her face looked like she was yawning while inhaling, I mean she really gets that air in there, and then it looks like she’s blowing a kiss when exhaling. Legend foolishly crossed over her when she inhaled once and I swear the cat ran in place trying to escape but couldn’t. Suddenly she exhaled and Legend hit the dresser and knocked over Cindy’s babyteeth. Of course when Val discovered the jar of teeth on the floor in the morning she gave legend sht. Poor thing… I thought of speaking up but decided not too. I don’t think the pregnant one would have taken it too well if I told her she almost swallowed the cat and I layed there and watched wanting to see what would happen if she did. Secretly hoping the snoring would stop.

So, because of the new snoring development Ive decided to call my lovely wife the newest Decepticon SNOR-A-TRON. With fast action Fusion Snor-o-cannon. Guaranteed to wake you up!

I have also noticed that things that could not possibly be your fault, become your fault. Of course as males we are responsible for much whether we like it or not but it would be nice if things make sense. Legend this week was on the table and up to her usual attention getting trouble, playing with Val’s stuff. She knock’s something over and Val gets frustrated and has to pick it up etc. I innocently come walking into the kitchen to get a drink and Val stare’s at me with this wicked look like I should crawl in a hole or something and utters: “she gets it from you you know!”

Now my response is obvious….. how the hell could I be responsible for what the cat does!! Pregnant women have the answers. And pregnant answers require no justification. They just ARE! And should you argue their points….they will only create more answers. So in response to losing the argument that I am not responsible for the cats behavior I have tried to train Legend. Needless to say she’s training me more than anything else. But Ive learned that if I growl a certain way she will run and hide under our bed, and she will follow a red laser pointer until she keel’s over and dies. Making her chase the lazer in circles and getting her dizzy is also rather hilarious. Probably cruel….but hilarious nonetheless.

So the day before we have the ultrasound we decide it would be easier to have my Mom spend the night as opposed to picking her up in the morning. (Hades fire breathing hounds would not have stopped my mother from being there for this one. I swear to God she would have hitchhiked or worst case scenario….actually teleported if she needed too.) But no……..instead, she spends the night.

Now im pretty lucky (in a way) because the wife and the mother get along very well. But holy flipping Santa’s reindeer can these two women talk……and talk……and geez talk yet some more. Just when you think they have run out of things to talk about they find some obscure subject and start ranting about that. Everytime I went to the kitchen I felt like I was watching a tennis game. We went to bed later than usual, Val snored all night, I was a bloody zombie the next day.

The day however at the hospital was very special. I can’t even describe how I was feeling really. This isn’t something I think you can explain unless you are in the situation but wow. Seeing that baby on the vewscreen and looking like a baby at this point was really cool. (the first ultrasound the fetus looked like an Alien. So much in fact I wasn’t sure if I was indeed from Earth or not.) Watching the baby move…..the heart beat. I admit I got all watery eyed. OF course its my Mom’s fault cause she was sobbing otherwise I would have been just fine. I think Val was the only one who didn’t react cause the only thing she was thinking about at that point was how badly she had to pee.

So that’s it…..after all this time and everyone telling us its a girl, myself and a very select few people were actually right. Yes….there is no need to re-read the last sentence I said I was right!! I will pay for it and somehow be wrong later but for now I am right!!!

Needless to say…I didn’t sleep last either. Snor-a-tron was making energon cubes.

By Lee Marshall