Memoirs of A pregnant Dad – Week 20

Here we are! Week 19 and the half way mark is fast approaching. What a wonderful ride this has been. Normally I go off on rants and such and there will likely be some rather wacky mentionings in this as well but for the moment I thought it best to take a moment and lose the exaggerations and the body counts. In other words Im going to try and be a little serious for a moment and believe me……..this is not easy for a blundering nutbar like myself.

19 weeks!! Wow!! At 34 years old nearly at a point where I had given up all hope of ever becoming a father myself, I can tell you after 19 weeks of watching Val and being a part of this experience all that negativity of age and parenthood goes out the window. Yes, I do admit sometimes it can be a scary thought. Both Val and I have spoken about many things concerning the future and the aches and pains we will have. Communication however = the key. First time fathers!!! ….. Best advise I can give isn’t ducking for cover when the gas is passed or the mood swing comes around the corner and shaves off your eyebrows. Even the MR. Big takes a shelf to this…..TALK to your wife. There is a difference between watching your wife carry your child and carrying it together. Obviously “carry together” is metaphorical but educate yourself. We may not have this thing in our bellies and puke up our guts, or suffer every spectrum of the emotional bar in under 10 seconds but there are so many things we can do and the best one I’ve learned is making sure your wife knows she isn’t alone in this. Besides, she’ll be laughing 15 years from now when im approaching 50 and the child says “DAD! Lets play FOOTBALL!!”

This is important!! You ARE going to feel as though your useless at times, this is ok…half the time its true!!! It isn’t so much that your useless its more that half the time you CAN NOT help her the way you wish you could. Don’t feel so bad (Although you will, but the longer time goes on the more you will understand what Im) talking about) She already knows her limits….learn them as well and learn your own. Besides she will probably let you know when your not pulling your weight in the most loving way possible!

Of course everyone is different and I dont know everything, I mean sht this is my first time, what the hell do I know really!! But I think im holding up pretty dam good. And despite the fact that I make out Val to be a murderous lunatic at times in these memoirs she has on many occasions told me she appreciates everything I do to help out. So after 19 weeks now. Being paranoid out of my mind. Wondering if im doing anything right at all because lets face it……When she looks pissed off at you for waking up in the morning and your wondering if you should sit at the table with her or in your car instead…..You wonder!! Hearing that makes a world of difference. Although if your wife is telling you off, has never said thank you, or has actually dug a hole in your backyard…..You don’t need to wonder anything at all. You are wrong! You are STILL wrong!! and it IS YOUR GRAVE!!!

When I first started writing these memoirs they really were just for my own amusement and to make some people laugh. I only ever actually intended to write 1 or 2. Look at me now, I have fans and am getting hate mail when Im late. I have to admit these memoirs are a big part of this pregnancy for me and a means to share this experience with friends, but I really didn’t expect this kind of a reaction to them.

So…19 weeks. The baby is now 6 inch’s from head to rump. Val however believes the baby is stretched out on a couch, legs crossed and watching satellite TV. I have lifted the babies pending grounding at birth for denying me access to Val’s Boobs so early as the sensitivity is not so bad anymore. This may be no big deal for all of you but for me…..I got my boobies back and its this weeks highlight!! Its Boobie time!! ( . /\ . )

People also seem to get a kick out of the “flatuation nation” and as I said in a previous memoir these last couple of weeks have brought on some interesting sounds. So ive decided to take things a step further and name them for you….for her….and for my own personal amusement! Of course these names are not for My wonderful pregnant “Ultramar gas got nothing on me” wife alone. They really pertain to anybody, so read them and use your imagination.

The Quadruple Flutter Rumbler.
The Triple Flutter Blast (courtesy of the Admiral)
The Capt. Kirk Communicator
The Weezer
The Push Daisy Popper
The Flaming Nacho (Courtesy of Doritos)
The Galvanizing Gator Snap
The Silent Sniper (Mostly experienced from under the covers)
The Feline Nullifier
The Laughing Rat-tat-tat-er
And Finally….

The Sinking Bismarck Torpedo Lasher

**Please note….with the exception of the flaming Nacho and the feline nullifier none actually smell…. they just sound really funny!!** Available only during pregnancy so enjoy them while they last!!!

So this past weekend we went camping. After 19 weeks into the pregnancy Ive experience the ever fearful moodswing and likely will a few more before the baby blasts off but I experienced something different this weekend concerning them. See normally when you hear “Moodswing” and “Pregnant” in the same sentence you envision in your head a flying demon, breathing fire and verbally crushing whats left of your courage. Now I dont know if it was the fresh air or the fact that its 19 weeks and things are changing again but Val has developed the “One Liner” mood swing. She doesn’t yell, She doesn’t toss appliances with her mind, and she doesn’t stare through you like you should immediately know what it is she’s angry about. Instead she subtly blurts out these one liners that shut you up instantly. For example…… Cindy was bugging her about something (Yes Cindy for once Im innocent) Im not sure about what exactly but it was probably about Magic……….(Speaking of Magic. Never show your step daughter how to play this game if your wife is prego. Dont ask why…just don’t do it) So anyway…Cindy is blabbing away about something and Val suddenly turns her head and looks at her. Cindy feeling the hellfire from Val’s eyes on her face immediately stops talking and Val blurts out as calm as can be, “Silence…….Your annoying me!” Cindy knowing her cue Im assuming didnt say another word, left the picnic table and excitedly worked on the fire.

She also told me in that ever so calm one liner Moodswing voice , “If you want to live to see Monday make sure the tent doesn;t leak.” Well…It did leak…..On Cindy’s side…..Thus I was safe!! However, fairwarning first time Dad’s: Beware the one liner mood swing, they are not as violent but are effective and utterly scary.

2 More weeks before we find out the sex!!! We are very excited and can’t wait!!! 19 weeks and im still alive!!

By Lee Marshall