Memoirs of a Pregnant dad – Week 16-18

Well now…… How is everyone holding up so far? The wife is good…….very good in fact and so is the baby for those of you that sent some hate mail to me concerning the memoirs and were curious. Thank you very much for your concern! I do however feel it prudent that I should add that I AM DOING OK TOO BY THE WAY, AND THANKS FOR ASKING!!!!!! Nope, no sarcasm there!!! Im just the FATHER!!!!

The first tri-mester was great wasn’t it? Oh I had a lot of fun…… everybody congratulates you, everyone’s happy for you. Heck we were even thrown a party for it. Men…..All of that good stuff is over!!!!! The second tri-mester you are reduced even further down the ladder of laughable importance than you were before. Who knows maybe it’s just me but no one seems to care about ME anymore, its all about the MOM. Ok yes… I understand she is the one carrying the child and that is no easy thing I agree, but I swear to the gods the bigger her belly gets…..the more I fade to the back ground.

I first started noticing this at work believe it or not. People used to ask how I was doing and such etc etc…now it’s “Hey Lee, Hows the wife doing?” It then started on facebook…..messages with “So how’s Val?” nothing about me….. no hello how are YOU doing……nope…. “How’s VAL”. Then….the phone. Debbie calls, I answer… I mean its my house too I live there for crying outloud and there is no hello…… no How are you Lee……its “I dont want to talk to you!!!, Where’s VAL?” My own Mom omg. We go there to visit, I walk in the house, Val is just behind me with Cindy. I say “Hi Mom” she doesn;t even make eye contact. She whispers ‘hi lee’, walks right past me, talks to Val’s belly, gives her a big hug and kiss and smiles and.. ” How are you VAL?” My mom………. my OWN MOTHER!!.

What happened?? (Scary Music) The second TRIMESTER. Its like a horror movie preview with that guy who does all the narrating with the deep voice?

In a dangerous time…
Unexpected terror….
The SECOND TRIMESTER!
Your even more screwed than you thought you were before!
Coming soon to theater’s. Rated H for Husbands.

Yes….it has been awhile, but it has been a busy few weeks and well….i’ve just been too bloody lazy!. Lazy however does not go far when you have a pregnant wife. And remember this: it is completely ok for her to be as lazy as she wants to be. Learn this as well: DO not confuse Lazy with being tired and no matter how “tired” she is she will always have the energy to yell at you for being “lazy”! So in other words….. your screwed. You will also suddenly have many responsibilities that are entirely your own that used to be shared. Although they are for very good reasons as you dont want to risk anything to the pregnancy. These responsibilities lead to some very surprising realizations however.

For example: It is unbelievable how much 2 cats can shit when your the only one cleaning the cat litter.

You are also now responsible for keeping your wifes water glass full. Just so you know pregnant women in the second tri-mester can drink more water than a derby horse on some of the best steroids downtown Detroit can offer. Do not be surprised if when its time for the water to break 942 litres spill out.

You must buy more T-shirts……do not concern yourself if they fit you or not….. Buy the largest ones and expect to see her wearing them.

Your car must always have enough gas left for two trips to the gas station because when she says she wants a Mr. Big…..She’s not talking about you!! Go out and get the chocolate bar immediately.

If you are on an errand never “forget” to pick up the Mr Big. You can forget the milk…. bread…. even the diet cola. I can not explain what will happen to you if you forget the “MR Big” other than it will hurt.

Replace…..”IM sorry” with: “I was wrong” its just safer. If you want to know why…..say “im sorry” and dont tell me I didn’t warn you.

Along with the second trimester comes the wonderful world of increased Flatulation. Pregnant women and gas are best friggen friends. Although….things now change. See, it used to be just regular gas cause by the regular foods…. beans… spicy stuff etc etc. Now its food in general, it doesn’t matter what. Just simply food and different foods have different effects and noises. Thought Beans were bad?? Beware Doritos Oh……my……God. I dont know what the fuk happens to chocolate chip cookies going through a pregnant digestive tract but holy sht. If your wife likes to be cuddled at night (and you know they do) you will soon master the hug and dodge maneuver as opposed to the hug and roll. Small piece of advice…..let the cats sleep in the room. This will aid you with the silent ones…….when the cats meow and bolt…..quickly follow them.

Beware because your wife will think this part especially amusing. Do not however laugh at her or mock her because I learned real quick that she does not have to warn you or tell you that a bomb is about to go off. Your only screwing yourself. And do not try to keep up with her (Because we all know us men can let off some good ones) You need to eat lots of beans to do this…. she just needs to munch on a few chips and its all over. Accept defeat…it will pass…….No pun intended.

This is also the time many of the people you know in your life who have children will suddenly start laughing at you. In the first trimester these people were all smiles and shaking your hand and giving you hugs and stuff. Suddenly these people are laughing at me hysterically. One guy at work inparticular, one of our drivers Burt walks in says of course..”Hey…How’s the wife doing??, BUHAHAHAHAHAHA” (please note…even these people will no longer give a rats azz how YOUR doing anymore). “How many Weeks?” he asks…….. 19….”BUhahahahahahHAHA!!!!” People I dont know….. Rob tells his bro, “Hey man…Lee’s going to be a Dad,” At first he’s excited for me…shakes my hand and all that good stuff. “That’s great…how old are you?”…….34…”BUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”. The women will tell you its the most exciting time of your life, its a magical experience and all that stuff that makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside. The guys??? Expect a lot of BUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!!!! There is no sympathy for us in the second trimester…..and everyone will think its funny!!!

So we are now all settled in our new home. The only room that’s a disaster is the babies room but it will come along slowly. Val’s mood swings have settled down some, even though they were never really all that bad. I do feel sorry for the renovators however……being late is not an option for pregnant women. Last week I noticed 3 fresh and empty graves in the backyard, today there are only 2. I have no idea who met an untimely demise but it was probably someone with a hammer. On the bright side though we now have towel racks!

Val is still tired alot but this too isn’t as bad. Energy is coming back more and more but if you ask her what she did during the day it will usually follow with “Nothing I was lazy”. (Note: Do not question where she gets the energy to dig the graves…..one of them could be yours!)

I will Try and post the pic from the ultrasound, if you see it..GREAT!!! IF not..its because I failed. The next ultra sound is in 3 weeks…..we will find out the sex in this one. And so far im still alive…..thus I must be doing something right! Go team!!

By Lee Marshall