Memoirs of A Pregnant Dad – Week 15
ByAhh, Week 15. First I must apologize for the length of the previous memoir. We just moved, there hasn’t been much time and after the 18 letters of hate mail and bodily mutilation I received for not having written one I panicked. It appears these things are popular so now Ive yet again screwed myself and I must write them, lest I be thrown to the wolves and gambled upon for how long It takes to chew me. However I must admit that I had no idea that I would ever have “fans” because of these memoirs and therefore before I continue….Thanks very much all of you. I very much enjoy writting these rediculous notes. Even if much of them is self degregation.
Well, first off we had the prenatest and are still currently waiting for results, however from everything the….the umm……the ultrasoundy person saw the baby is doing just fine and its heartbeat is perfect. Val has developed pregnancy diabetes for which she is utterly annoyed. First she had to prick her fingers 6 time a day. Then she goes to the doctor all happy hoping that she wont need to anymore because our ignorant selves thought that a blood sugar level of under 10 was ok. Turns out 7 is high, so she slumbered into the house with yet more finger pricking stuff and an insulin (Spelling) Injection Kit to go with her foul stop the press frown.
Of course you could imagine after 14 weeks of pregnancy how I reacted to this when she walked in. In truth I had no idea what to say or do. I wasn’t really scared…we all know I laugh at the face of danger!! Sneer at Doom!!! Scared?? Me???? I was bloody petrified!!! And as a result I asked probably the worst question you could ask a pregnant woman after a 3 hour doctor appointment with a full bladder…. “How’d it go?”
Just for the record Men…..Neve ask a stupid question like this. The next hour resulted in a detailed explanation of everything that happened to her. Of course you care so you don’t want to do someting dumb like change the subject. Instead I came up with the brilliant idea of Asking her to check my own blood sugar. You know….So i could see what she has to go through 6 times a day etc etc. I thought it was a thoughtful thing. Val however used this to her advantage. You see…she knew I would give no heed to the fact that Im a Bass Player and my finger tips have littel to no feeling left and that a Simple “prick” from her “Pricking device” would not do the job. And I like the feeling guilty idiot that I am fell right for it. She stabbed my finger tip 7 times before she drew blood. She thoroughly enjoyed this in fact. Of course she covered this up by “pretending” to laugh at the situation but she was in fact Heckling and utterly enjoying the look on my face whenever the needle punctured my skin!!! By the time she had her fun and squeezed my finger to draw some blood I had 7 pin pricks bleeding on my finger!!!! I was like WTH!!! THen and ONLY then did she say “Well your a Bass player!!, you should have KNOWN it wasn’t going to be easy!!”
Uh huh…once again I “should” have known the most obvious thing right?? Nope…. fell into that trap like white on rice. Thus Men….. Never ask any question begining with ” So how did it go….” It leads to guilt and blood loss!
This week we moved into our new place. The move took all of 66 minutes or so and went very well. Of course starting off the day wasn’t so hot. The first problem we had was with the truck I was supposed to get from work. See I was given permission to borrow the cube van, however when moving day showed up some other guy picked it up earlier in the morning. Now here I am with my friend Dean sitting in my car and driving off to the storage place to meet, Chris, Pat, My Mom, and yes….My wonderful Val.
Can you imagine what was going through my head at this point. I have a pregnant wife waiting at the storage place who is fully expecting us to arrive in a TRUCK!!. Dean is calm and cool and saying “its just a hiccup no worries, well get a U-Haul and it will go well.” He’s of course right, BUT he wont be at the receiving end of a vicious, hormonal, pregnant Lion Mood swing now will he??? I honestly thought I would not live to see the new house. I fully Expected Val to tear me a new one and say all the usual things Like “I TOLD YOU!!”, “YOU DIDN’T THINK”, “YOU SHOULD HAVE!”, ” YOU YOU YOU”, “YOUR GROUNDED”, ” NO PS3 FOR A WEEK”, You know…… Fetal position await beating.
Heh….Nope…she agreed with DEAN!! What are the chances I mean OMG!! Granted im happy as hell I still have a shimming linger of a manhood but still. I was so freaking scared and paranoid and she did NOTHING!!!!! I swear to God women do this on purpose just to keep our blood pressure high. Now you all may think I over reacted just a little……but if you think thats over reacting eat the last bit of Ice cream in the house and say something retarted like “We’ll buy more” and see how you fare!!! Then show up without a truck on moving day and tell me you won’t shit your pants 6 shades of brown on the way to the pregnant wife!!!
The new house……It’s wonderful. Of course to avoid my opinion meaning a thing during the initail set up after everything was unloaded Val waited until I left to return the Rented truck. Chris and I had a good time and Dont think TARA that I was not aware that the Tim hortons stop for YOU was nothing less that a stall tactic to give Val MORE time to push my opinion over the fence!!. The sad thing is my friend Chris came with me and I firmly beleive he has dirty thoughts about Tim Hortons and drinking its coffee is some sexual adventure for him. The man is more addicted that flies to sht!!
One great thing I must admit is that a pregnant Woman can do dishes like no tomorrow. Val got her hands on 4 boxes of dishes and glass stuff etc etc and in 32 mintes had them all washed and put away. During this time I think I unpacked a box of DVD’s and was still trying to put them in Alphabetical order.
Now is the return of the snap mood swing. Week 15…. Men have a say in very little. I tried to close the window in the Kitchen and Val swiftly bugged her eyes from her head and said in a semi-demonic voice ” WTF are you doing” and returned to her seat. Once my balls returned to thier position I apologized and opened the window again. Trying further to make up for my lack of unpacking speed Val mentioned that she has a sweet tooth and so I lovingly offered her My caramilk bar that was in the fridge. Once again the Demonic voice returned and uttered ‘ ITS NOT A MR. BIG!!”
Men…you just can’t win….And at week 15 there is very little you can do right or fast enough. This is the cocoon period. You must sally forth and endure. The energy returns and do not be foolish and think that you can outsmart her!! Roll with the punches (Which if you are lucky will only be 5 to 15) and remember that the fetal position is the safest position for you. Remember this quote:
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.”
Desmond Morris
We should be getting the results for the prenatest soon and Val is doing her diabetes treatments like clockwork. Seriously Val is taking things very well and both of us are as happy as can be with the way things are going. Wekk 15 brought up some new changes and returned some old habits but all in all things are fantastic!. See you all later.
By Lee Marshall