Memoirs of a Pregnant dad – week 21 & 22

IT’S A BOY!!

Yup that’s right. Standing in the ultrasound room waiting patiently for the Dr to finish taking the measurements of the baby’s head and such and then he said the magic words. “It’s a boy!” It hit us all like a truck. Of course we all had different reactions!!! My Mom jumped 14 feet high and after peeling her off the ceiling she cried. Cindy was beaming a smile from cheek to cheek… finally a little brother!!……… Valerie laying on the table breathed a sigh of relief as this meant she could soon go to the bathroom. And me!!…..Even though all I really wanted was a healthy child….boy or girl didn’t matter, I gleamed, I smiled with a sense of pride……… I could feel it right then and there….the power… the releif……after living with Valerie, a step-Daughter, a female cat named Legend. Me and my boy (the other Cat) Arty have been badly outnumbered by the females and on the receiving end of PMS, female logic, and the ultimate power of female arguing wisdom. Now…… Testosterone will rival the Estrogen!! “Gillette” will take as much space as “secret”! Disposable razors will not all be pink! The toilet seat will be up as often as it is down!! YES….YES….. The hormonal balance in the house is shifting!!!

As soon as we got home I informed Arty of the incredible news and us Men retreated to the living room and scratched ourselves proudly. Soon after Valerie shook the bag of Temptation cat treats and he abandoned me. But the fact still remains the numbers will be even!! Even I tell you!!!

So its been a good couple of weeks here, things are going smooth. Val is finally buying her own T-shirts, however do not for a minute think its because she doesn’t like mine anymore….its only because slowly….over time…..they are not fitting the baby bump anymore! So it isn’t out of pity or anything ( god forbid ) its because she has no choice. But for the moment, I have my T-shirts back so I can take some mild satisfaction in this. That is until birth, because then all the T-Shirts she’s buying now will be far too big and she’ll steal mine all over again. So in the end I dont really win…..big surprise!

This week I have given Val a new Nickname. You see pregnancy brings with it all sorts of new and exciting things. The mood swings, the farting, morning sickness and all that fun stuff. Every woman is different of course and experiences these things from one extreme to the other, but then there are some things that you dont expect but probably should.

Of course with a belly now when Val sleeps getting comfy is an issue…. I mean it must be because she moves from one side to the other to her back and all over again 47 times a night when before she was asleep before she hit the pillow. As luck would have it…. the position she used to sleep in she barely uses anymore and the new 17 positions she uses all involve snoring. Of course im not sure the noise billowing forth from her nostrils can be classified as snoring but well have to live with it. It is unholy!!! I dont understand how it doesn’t hurt! The thing that surprises me the most is that she doesn’t wake herself up!! You could drop a napkin in the kitchen and she’ll wake up, but the 52 decibel fluttering nostril death banshee snore does nothing.

I sat up one night and watched her. Her face looked like she was yawning while inhaling, I mean she really gets that air in there, and then it looks like she’s blowing a kiss when exhaling. Legend foolishly crossed over her when she inhaled once and I swear the cat ran in place trying to escape but couldn’t. Suddenly she exhaled and Legend hit the dresser and knocked over Cindy’s babyteeth. Of course when Val discovered the jar of teeth on the floor in the morning she gave legend sht. Poor thing… I thought of speaking up but decided not too. I don’t think the pregnant one would have taken it too well if I told her she almost swallowed the cat and I layed there and watched wanting to see what would happen if she did. Secretly hoping the snoring would stop.

So, because of the new snoring development Ive decided to call my lovely wife the newest Decepticon SNOR-A-TRON. With fast action Fusion Snor-o-cannon. Guaranteed to wake you up!

I have also noticed that things that could not possibly be your fault, become your fault. Of course as males we are responsible for much whether we like it or not but it would be nice if things make sense. Legend this week was on the table and up to her usual attention getting trouble, playing with Val’s stuff. She knock’s something over and Val gets frustrated and has to pick it up etc. I innocently come walking into the kitchen to get a drink and Val stare’s at me with this wicked look like I should crawl in a hole or something and utters: “she gets it from you you know!”

Now my response is obvious….. how the hell could I be responsible for what the cat does!! Pregnant women have the answers. And pregnant answers require no justification. They just ARE! And should you argue their points….they will only create more answers. So in response to losing the argument that I am not responsible for the cats behavior I have tried to train Legend. Needless to say she’s training me more than anything else. But Ive learned that if I growl a certain way she will run and hide under our bed, and she will follow a red laser pointer until she keel’s over and dies. Making her chase the lazer in circles and getting her dizzy is also rather hilarious. Probably cruel….but hilarious nonetheless.

So the day before we have the ultrasound we decide it would be easier to have my Mom spend the night as opposed to picking her up in the morning. (Hades fire breathing hounds would not have stopped my mother from being there for this one. I swear to God she would have hitchhiked or worst case scenario….actually teleported if she needed too.) But no……..instead, she spends the night.

Now im pretty lucky (in a way) because the wife and the mother get along very well. But holy flipping Santa’s reindeer can these two women talk……and talk……and geez talk yet some more. Just when you think they have run out of things to talk about they find some obscure subject and start ranting about that. Everytime I went to the kitchen I felt like I was watching a tennis game. We went to bed later than usual, Val snored all night, I was a bloody zombie the next day.

The day however at the hospital was very special. I can’t even describe how I was feeling really. This isn’t something I think you can explain unless you are in the situation but wow. Seeing that baby on the vewscreen and looking like a baby at this point was really cool. (the first ultrasound the fetus looked like an Alien. So much in fact I wasn’t sure if I was indeed from Earth or not.) Watching the baby move…..the heart beat. I admit I got all watery eyed. OF course its my Mom’s fault cause she was sobbing otherwise I would have been just fine. I think Val was the only one who didn’t react cause the only thing she was thinking about at that point was how badly she had to pee.

So that’s it…..after all this time and everyone telling us its a girl, myself and a very select few people were actually right. Yes….there is no need to re-read the last sentence I said I was right!! I will pay for it and somehow be wrong later but for now I am right!!!

Needless to say…I didn’t sleep last either. Snor-a-tron was making energon cubes.

By Lee Marshall

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The Secret About Hodia

Introducing a plant from South Africa that has the weight-loss crowd thrilled. Is this the thing that could help millions of overweight people display bodies to die for? Maybe, just maybe, this is the magic pill we’ve all been waiting for.

Let’s face it, the onslaught of fashion magazines and shows has drummed the perfect shape of a fit body into everybody’s brains. We all know how we’re supposed to look like to be attractive and to give off that “carefree success” look. What we did not know is that the next big thing in dieting comes from South Africa

From the sandy expanses of the Kalahari Desert intrepid businessmen bring a cactus called Hoodia. Weight loss experts are already excited over the avenues opened by this plant that curbs hunger.

For hundreds of years the Kalahari bushmen have been eating Hoodia to keep hunger at bay during long hunting trips and in times of drought. And now millions of people living in industrialized countries are about to join them, as Hoodia-based pills are made available in the USA. However, for all the glittering promise of a better tomorrow, Hoodia is still somewhat of a problem. First, no scientific tests have been conducted on humans to check the effects of this plant. We know it works for the bushmen, but will it work for everybody just as well and without side effects?

People high and low, from Hollywood stars to high-powered entertainment staffers to the common man, everybody is willing to overlook the lack of official studies and have a go at Hoodia. Many people have been fighting excess weight all their lives and are interested in anything that promises fast and effective weight loss.

One of the latest and most effective drugs launched on the weight loss market is the ProShape rx. Does it have the amazing Hoodia among its ingredients? You bet! This new pill may well prove to be a ray of hope for overweight people looking to improve their looks and health by shedding those extra pounds. If Hoodia is really the magic plant all overweight people are waiting for, then ProShape rx is one of the best choices around.

Memoirs of A pregnant Dad – Week 20

Here we are! Week 19 and the half way mark is fast approaching. What a wonderful ride this has been. Normally I go off on rants and such and there will likely be some rather wacky mentionings in this as well but for the moment I thought it best to take a moment and lose the exaggerations and the body counts. In other words Im going to try and be a little serious for a moment and believe me……..this is not easy for a blundering nutbar like myself.

19 weeks!! Wow!! At 34 years old nearly at a point where I had given up all hope of ever becoming a father myself, I can tell you after 19 weeks of watching Val and being a part of this experience all that negativity of age and parenthood goes out the window. Yes, I do admit sometimes it can be a scary thought. Both Val and I have spoken about many things concerning the future and the aches and pains we will have. Communication however = the key. First time fathers!!! ….. Best advise I can give isn’t ducking for cover when the gas is passed or the mood swing comes around the corner and shaves off your eyebrows. Even the MR. Big takes a shelf to this…..TALK to your wife. There is a difference between watching your wife carry your child and carrying it together. Obviously “carry together” is metaphorical but educate yourself. We may not have this thing in our bellies and puke up our guts, or suffer every spectrum of the emotional bar in under 10 seconds but there are so many things we can do and the best one I’ve learned is making sure your wife knows she isn’t alone in this. Besides, she’ll be laughing 15 years from now when im approaching 50 and the child says “DAD! Lets play FOOTBALL!!”

This is important!! You ARE going to feel as though your useless at times, this is ok…half the time its true!!! It isn’t so much that your useless its more that half the time you CAN NOT help her the way you wish you could. Don’t feel so bad (Although you will, but the longer time goes on the more you will understand what Im) talking about) She already knows her limits….learn them as well and learn your own. Besides she will probably let you know when your not pulling your weight in the most loving way possible!

Of course everyone is different and I dont know everything, I mean sht this is my first time, what the hell do I know really!! But I think im holding up pretty dam good. And despite the fact that I make out Val to be a murderous lunatic at times in these memoirs she has on many occasions told me she appreciates everything I do to help out. So after 19 weeks now. Being paranoid out of my mind. Wondering if im doing anything right at all because lets face it……When she looks pissed off at you for waking up in the morning and your wondering if you should sit at the table with her or in your car instead…..You wonder!! Hearing that makes a world of difference. Although if your wife is telling you off, has never said thank you, or has actually dug a hole in your backyard…..You don’t need to wonder anything at all. You are wrong! You are STILL wrong!! and it IS YOUR GRAVE!!!

When I first started writing these memoirs they really were just for my own amusement and to make some people laugh. I only ever actually intended to write 1 or 2. Look at me now, I have fans and am getting hate mail when Im late. I have to admit these memoirs are a big part of this pregnancy for me and a means to share this experience with friends, but I really didn’t expect this kind of a reaction to them.

So…19 weeks. The baby is now 6 inch’s from head to rump. Val however believes the baby is stretched out on a couch, legs crossed and watching satellite TV. I have lifted the babies pending grounding at birth for denying me access to Val’s Boobs so early as the sensitivity is not so bad anymore. This may be no big deal for all of you but for me…..I got my boobies back and its this weeks highlight!! Its Boobie time!! ( . /\ . )

People also seem to get a kick out of the “flatuation nation” and as I said in a previous memoir these last couple of weeks have brought on some interesting sounds. So ive decided to take things a step further and name them for you….for her….and for my own personal amusement! Of course these names are not for My wonderful pregnant “Ultramar gas got nothing on me” wife alone. They really pertain to anybody, so read them and use your imagination.

The Quadruple Flutter Rumbler.
The Triple Flutter Blast (courtesy of the Admiral)
The Capt. Kirk Communicator
The Weezer
The Push Daisy Popper
The Flaming Nacho (Courtesy of Doritos)
The Galvanizing Gator Snap
The Silent Sniper (Mostly experienced from under the covers)
The Feline Nullifier
The Laughing Rat-tat-tat-er
And Finally….

The Sinking Bismarck Torpedo Lasher

**Please note….with the exception of the flaming Nacho and the feline nullifier none actually smell…. they just sound really funny!!** Available only during pregnancy so enjoy them while they last!!!

So this past weekend we went camping. After 19 weeks into the pregnancy Ive experience the ever fearful moodswing and likely will a few more before the baby blasts off but I experienced something different this weekend concerning them. See normally when you hear “Moodswing” and “Pregnant” in the same sentence you envision in your head a flying demon, breathing fire and verbally crushing whats left of your courage. Now I dont know if it was the fresh air or the fact that its 19 weeks and things are changing again but Val has developed the “One Liner” mood swing. She doesn’t yell, She doesn’t toss appliances with her mind, and she doesn’t stare through you like you should immediately know what it is she’s angry about. Instead she subtly blurts out these one liners that shut you up instantly. For example…… Cindy was bugging her about something (Yes Cindy for once Im innocent) Im not sure about what exactly but it was probably about Magic……….(Speaking of Magic. Never show your step daughter how to play this game if your wife is prego. Dont ask why…just don’t do it) So anyway…Cindy is blabbing away about something and Val suddenly turns her head and looks at her. Cindy feeling the hellfire from Val’s eyes on her face immediately stops talking and Val blurts out as calm as can be, “Silence…….Your annoying me!” Cindy knowing her cue Im assuming didnt say another word, left the picnic table and excitedly worked on the fire.

She also told me in that ever so calm one liner Moodswing voice , “If you want to live to see Monday make sure the tent doesn;t leak.” Well…It did leak…..On Cindy’s side…..Thus I was safe!! However, fairwarning first time Dad’s: Beware the one liner mood swing, they are not as violent but are effective and utterly scary.

2 More weeks before we find out the sex!!! We are very excited and can’t wait!!! 19 weeks and im still alive!!

By Lee Marshall

Memoirs of a Pregnant dad – Week 16-18

Well now…… How is everyone holding up so far? The wife is good…….very good in fact and so is the baby for those of you that sent some hate mail to me concerning the memoirs and were curious. Thank you very much for your concern! I do however feel it prudent that I should add that I AM DOING OK TOO BY THE WAY, AND THANKS FOR ASKING!!!!!! Nope, no sarcasm there!!! Im just the FATHER!!!!

The first tri-mester was great wasn’t it? Oh I had a lot of fun…… everybody congratulates you, everyone’s happy for you. Heck we were even thrown a party for it. Men…..All of that good stuff is over!!!!! The second tri-mester you are reduced even further down the ladder of laughable importance than you were before. Who knows maybe it’s just me but no one seems to care about ME anymore, its all about the MOM. Ok yes… I understand she is the one carrying the child and that is no easy thing I agree, but I swear to the gods the bigger her belly gets…..the more I fade to the back ground.

I first started noticing this at work believe it or not. People used to ask how I was doing and such etc etc…now it’s “Hey Lee, Hows the wife doing?” It then started on facebook…..messages with “So how’s Val?” nothing about me….. no hello how are YOU doing……nope…. “How’s VAL”. Then….the phone. Debbie calls, I answer… I mean its my house too I live there for crying outloud and there is no hello…… no How are you Lee……its “I dont want to talk to you!!!, Where’s VAL?” My own Mom omg. We go there to visit, I walk in the house, Val is just behind me with Cindy. I say “Hi Mom” she doesn;t even make eye contact. She whispers ‘hi lee’, walks right past me, talks to Val’s belly, gives her a big hug and kiss and smiles and.. ” How are you VAL?” My mom………. my OWN MOTHER!!.

What happened?? (Scary Music) The second TRIMESTER. Its like a horror movie preview with that guy who does all the narrating with the deep voice?

In a dangerous time…
Unexpected terror….
The SECOND TRIMESTER!
Your even more screwed than you thought you were before!
Coming soon to theater’s. Rated H for Husbands.

Yes….it has been awhile, but it has been a busy few weeks and well….i’ve just been too bloody lazy!. Lazy however does not go far when you have a pregnant wife. And remember this: it is completely ok for her to be as lazy as she wants to be. Learn this as well: DO not confuse Lazy with being tired and no matter how “tired” she is she will always have the energy to yell at you for being “lazy”! So in other words….. your screwed. You will also suddenly have many responsibilities that are entirely your own that used to be shared. Although they are for very good reasons as you dont want to risk anything to the pregnancy. These responsibilities lead to some very surprising realizations however.

For example: It is unbelievable how much 2 cats can shit when your the only one cleaning the cat litter.

You are also now responsible for keeping your wifes water glass full. Just so you know pregnant women in the second tri-mester can drink more water than a derby horse on some of the best steroids downtown Detroit can offer. Do not be surprised if when its time for the water to break 942 litres spill out.

You must buy more T-shirts……do not concern yourself if they fit you or not….. Buy the largest ones and expect to see her wearing them.

Your car must always have enough gas left for two trips to the gas station because when she says she wants a Mr. Big…..She’s not talking about you!! Go out and get the chocolate bar immediately.

If you are on an errand never “forget” to pick up the Mr Big. You can forget the milk…. bread…. even the diet cola. I can not explain what will happen to you if you forget the “MR Big” other than it will hurt.

Replace…..”IM sorry” with: “I was wrong” its just safer. If you want to know why…..say “im sorry” and dont tell me I didn’t warn you.

Along with the second trimester comes the wonderful world of increased Flatulation. Pregnant women and gas are best friggen friends. Although….things now change. See, it used to be just regular gas cause by the regular foods…. beans… spicy stuff etc etc. Now its food in general, it doesn’t matter what. Just simply food and different foods have different effects and noises. Thought Beans were bad?? Beware Doritos Oh……my……God. I dont know what the fuk happens to chocolate chip cookies going through a pregnant digestive tract but holy sht. If your wife likes to be cuddled at night (and you know they do) you will soon master the hug and dodge maneuver as opposed to the hug and roll. Small piece of advice…..let the cats sleep in the room. This will aid you with the silent ones…….when the cats meow and bolt…..quickly follow them.

Beware because your wife will think this part especially amusing. Do not however laugh at her or mock her because I learned real quick that she does not have to warn you or tell you that a bomb is about to go off. Your only screwing yourself. And do not try to keep up with her (Because we all know us men can let off some good ones) You need to eat lots of beans to do this…. she just needs to munch on a few chips and its all over. Accept defeat…it will pass…….No pun intended.

This is also the time many of the people you know in your life who have children will suddenly start laughing at you. In the first trimester these people were all smiles and shaking your hand and giving you hugs and stuff. Suddenly these people are laughing at me hysterically. One guy at work inparticular, one of our drivers Burt walks in says of course..”Hey…How’s the wife doing??, BUHAHAHAHAHAHA” (please note…even these people will no longer give a rats azz how YOUR doing anymore). “How many Weeks?” he asks…….. 19….”BUhahahahahahHAHA!!!!” People I dont know….. Rob tells his bro, “Hey man…Lee’s going to be a Dad,” At first he’s excited for me…shakes my hand and all that good stuff. “That’s great…how old are you?”…….34…”BUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”. The women will tell you its the most exciting time of your life, its a magical experience and all that stuff that makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside. The guys??? Expect a lot of BUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!!!! There is no sympathy for us in the second trimester…..and everyone will think its funny!!!

So we are now all settled in our new home. The only room that’s a disaster is the babies room but it will come along slowly. Val’s mood swings have settled down some, even though they were never really all that bad. I do feel sorry for the renovators however……being late is not an option for pregnant women. Last week I noticed 3 fresh and empty graves in the backyard, today there are only 2. I have no idea who met an untimely demise but it was probably someone with a hammer. On the bright side though we now have towel racks!

Val is still tired alot but this too isn’t as bad. Energy is coming back more and more but if you ask her what she did during the day it will usually follow with “Nothing I was lazy”. (Note: Do not question where she gets the energy to dig the graves…..one of them could be yours!)

I will Try and post the pic from the ultrasound, if you see it..GREAT!!! IF not..its because I failed. The next ultra sound is in 3 weeks…..we will find out the sex in this one. And so far im still alive…..thus I must be doing something right! Go team!!

By Lee Marshall

Ab Toner

Would you like to have an attractive flat, firm and toned stomach. Now there is an FDA approved medical technology that is finally available to the public….check this out:

The Flex Belt Abdominal Toning Belt is truly an awesome advance in technology. This device is by far the most effective we have ever seen of its kind. It makes it so that anyone can exercise their abs anywhere and anytime and it does all the work for you. You can use it at work, around the house, while taking a walk, while exercising, watching TV etc. The results are astonishing –

The Flex Belt is proven to work for everyone. In fact – in a clinical trial done with The Flex Belt, 100% of the participants received results in flattening, toning, and strengthening their stomach. The Flex Belt is not a gimmick – it is 100% medical science. It is the first EMS (Electric Muscle Stimulation) product of its kind cleared by the FDA as a class II medical device for direct to consumer sales.

For consumers who don’t have the time to exercise or for those that may have tried to flatten and tone their stomachs through traditional exercise, this product is precisely what they’ve been looking for. It is also great for people that are in awesome shape and already have a great stomach – it will simply make it more strong and defined. The intensity goes from level 1-100. With continued use and as you get stronger, you will increase the intensity. Trust us — This thing works! If you run the belt on a high intensity, you will feel your stomach muscles sore the next day just like you would after an intense abdominal workout at the gym. This is probably the coolest, most advanced product we have ever reviewed. You can see an amazing demo of the product by Clicking Here:

 

Or keep reading…it gets better. Concept The Flex Belt is an innovative, medical-grade technology with the extraordinary ability to sculpt a firmer, stronger and more toned abdominal area without painful, repetitive exercise routines. The makers of Flex Belt are a medical device company headquartered in Galway, Ireland with 40 years expertise designing, manufacturing and marketing EMS (Electric Muscle Stimulation) devices for medical and consumer use. Their EMS medical devices are used and prescribed in 5000 clinics worldwide. In fact, this is the same technology that physical therapists use for their patients that need certain muscles exercised. This product consists of a precisely engineered, ergonomically designed training belt that tones the central abdominal muscles and obliques for the flat stomach or ‘six-pack’ we all dream of.

 

The company is so confident in the amazing results achieved with this groundbreaking product that they offer a full 60 money back guarantee. If you use the belt as instructed (once a day, five days a week), you will definitely see results before the 60 days are up – so this is no-lose situation satisfaction guarantee policy. We don’t think an awesome athlete and legend like Jerry Rice of the San Francisco 49ers would back the product and use it himself if it didn’t work…you can see a video clip of Jerry wearing belt on the official website here:

Here’s how it works: The unique construction of the Flex Belt features three pre-positioned, medical-grade Gel Pads, covering the central abdominal muscles and external obliques. Signals from the belt reach out to nerves where they are most concentrated. These nerves branch out to reach all the abdominal muscles (not just those under the pads) causing them to relax and contract naturally, working all the muscles at the same time. When wearing The Flex Belt, you will feel a mild pulsing sensation, followed by some tightening of the abdominal muscles. The muscles should contract smoothly, hold themselves in a tensed position for a few seconds and gently relax again. It is never uncomfortable – but always apparent. You control how powerful the sensations are with the intensity controller. The intensity goes from level 1-100. Like we said before, there is no chance this thing doesn’t work — If you run the belt on a high intensity, you will feel your stomach muscles sore the next day just like you would after an intense abdominal workout at the gym. The end result is that all the muscles are worked at the same time, and no sit-ups or crunches are needed to get flatter, tighter, more toned abs.

The makers of The Flex Belt guarantee results within weeks of using the system and 100% of users have reported more toned and firmer abs. All that is required is a mere 30 minutes a day, five days a week, to see results. The best part is that this 30-minute exercise doesn’t have to be in a gym, and it doesn’t have to take any time out of your day. This belt can be worn any time, allowing consumers to tighten their abs during almost any normal activity. The system is great for people of all lifestyles including casual exercisers, fitness enthusiasts, seniors, new mothers and even people with physical limitations. The belt works for everyone and all should benefit from this simple system. Click here to learn more about this awesome advancement in the world of fitness:

Lifestyle For consumers who don’t have the time to exercise or for those that may have tried to flatten and tone their stomachs through traditional exercise, this product is precisely what they’ve been looking for. It is also great for people that are in awesome shape and already have a great stomach – it will simply make it more strong and defined. Its ability to precisely target the appropriate muscle groups is nothing short of amazing, and has opened the door to a new era in fitness. Not to mention that for those consumers who may be limited in their ability to perform strenuous exercises like sit-ups or crunches, this ergonomic approach is ideal. Consumers can incorporate this exercise regimen into any part of their day, without having to “drop everything” and suffer through crunches. It is also the perfect solution for new mothers who want to get their tummy back in shape, executives who don’t have that long to exercise each day, and even those that are in awesome shape and just want to look better. You also don’t have to worry about changing clothes while wearing it because it will fit under your shirt and there is no perspiring during a session.

On the official website, you will see an awesome video that shows you everything about the product, including some detailed visuals of how it works the muscles. You will also see that the belt is used by several celebrities, approved by the FDA and has clinical studies showing that: 100% of the people reported their abs are stronger and more toned, the average person received a 49% increase in strength and a 72% increase in endurance. The belt is lightweight and “breathable,” and has different training programs built in if you would like to use them. Or you can just manually adjust the intensity yourself. This innovative method for exercising the stomach muscles is also very easy on the back, and will be a welcome change from those who have sustained injuries through laborious sit-ups. While the popular expression “no pain, no gain” is still often used by reluctant exercisers, this product achieves a very efficient, targeted abdominal workout without the need for any suffering. We definitely recommend trying the Flex® Belt — no one is ever disappointed.

Cost The Flex Belt is $199 for one belt – a VERY affordable price for this type of medical grade technology and a guaranteed more attractive stomach. If you order an additional belt for a friend or loved one, you will receive a 25% discount on the second belt. In fact – all additional belts after the first one are priced at 25% off. 1 Flex Belt = $199.99 2 Flex Belts = $349.00 (a $50 savings) 3 Flex Belts = $499.99 (a $100 savings) 4 Flex Belts = $649.99 (a $150 savings) A lot of people order an additional belt for their spouse so they can wear them together. If you have a friend that you exercise with, we recommend going in together on an order and taking advantage of the $50 discount off the second belt. We like that there are no hidden costs and all orders come with a more than fair 60-day money back return policy. Another awesome benefit is that The Flex Belt comes with a 2-year extended warranty, so you can get your belt replaced should anything happen to it….no questions asked. We have checked the customer service out and it is great. They are always available during business hours and will help you with anything you need. Website In Focus The official website is awesome! It is visually stunning and leaves nothing to the imagination which is helpful when purchasing a $199 item.
It is informative without being distracting. Make sure you check out their testimonials and press page. The Flex Belt has been praised by celebrities and enthusiastically reviewed by these major publications: Flex Magazine, Weight Watchers, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, Men’s Fitness and many more…In Fact – this site is sponsored by Flex & Fitness Magazines and all orders come with a free 1-year subscription should you want it. Click Here to visit the official website – you can’t miss this one:

Positives
• Helps tighten, tone and strengthen the abs anytime or anywhere you want to use it
• Clinical trials show that 100% of users report it works
• Backed by major celebrities, doctors, and approved by the FDA as a medical grade device available to consumers
• Great for Casual Exercisers, Fitness Enthusiasts, Executives who don’t have time to make it to the gym, Seniors, New Mothers, People with physical difficulties or anyone that wants more attractive abs. • Comes with a 60-Day Money Back Guarantee!
• 2-year extended replacement warranty Negatives
• The Flex Belt is only guaranteed for 60-days if you buy it on the official website –

there are no returns if you buy it thru a reseller or a store.

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Memoirs of A Pregnant Dad – Week 15

Ahh, Week 15. First I must apologize for the length of the previous memoir. We just moved, there hasn’t been much time and after the 18 letters of hate mail and bodily mutilation I received for not having written one I panicked. It appears these things are popular so now Ive yet again screwed myself and I must write them, lest I be thrown to the wolves and gambled upon for how long It takes to chew me. However I must admit that I had no idea that I would ever have “fans” because of these memoirs and therefore before I continue….Thanks very much all of you. I very much enjoy writting these rediculous notes. Even if much of them is self degregation.

Well, first off we had the prenatest and are still currently waiting for results, however from everything the….the umm……the ultrasoundy person saw the baby is doing just fine and its heartbeat is perfect. Val has developed pregnancy diabetes for which she is utterly annoyed. First she had to prick her fingers 6 time a day. Then she goes to the doctor all happy hoping that she wont need to anymore because our ignorant selves thought that a blood sugar level of under 10 was ok. Turns out 7 is high, so she slumbered into the house with yet more finger pricking stuff and an insulin (Spelling) Injection Kit to go with her foul stop the press frown.

Of course you could imagine after 14 weeks of pregnancy how I reacted to this when she walked in. In truth I had no idea what to say or do. I wasn’t really scared…we all know I laugh at the face of danger!! Sneer at Doom!!! Scared?? Me???? I was bloody petrified!!! And as a result I asked probably the worst question you could ask a pregnant woman after a 3 hour doctor appointment with a full bladder…. “How’d it go?”

Just for the record Men…..Neve ask a stupid question like this. The next hour resulted in a detailed explanation of everything that happened to her. Of course you care so you don’t want to do someting dumb like change the subject. Instead I came up with the brilliant idea of Asking her to check my own blood sugar. You know….So i could see what she has to go through 6 times a day etc etc. I thought it was a thoughtful thing. Val however used this to her advantage. You see…she knew I would give no heed to the fact that Im a Bass Player and my finger tips have littel to no feeling left and that a Simple “prick” from her “Pricking device” would not do the job. And I like the feeling guilty idiot that I am fell right for it. She stabbed my finger tip 7 times before she drew blood. She thoroughly enjoyed this in fact. Of course she covered this up by “pretending” to laugh at the situation but she was in fact Heckling and utterly enjoying the look on my face whenever the needle punctured my skin!!! By the time she had her fun and squeezed my finger to draw some blood I had 7 pin pricks bleeding on my finger!!!! I was like WTH!!! THen and ONLY then did she say “Well your a Bass player!!, you should have KNOWN it wasn’t going to be easy!!”

Uh huh…once again I “should” have known the most obvious thing right?? Nope…. fell into that trap like white on rice. Thus Men….. Never ask any question begining with ” So how did it go….” It leads to guilt and blood loss!

This week we moved into our new place. The move took all of 66 minutes or so and went very well. Of course starting off the day wasn’t so hot. The first problem we had was with the truck I was supposed to get from work. See I was given permission to borrow the cube van, however when moving day showed up some other guy picked it up earlier in the morning. Now here I am with my friend Dean sitting in my car and driving off to the storage place to meet, Chris, Pat, My Mom, and yes….My wonderful Val.

Can you imagine what was going through my head at this point. I have a pregnant wife waiting at the storage place who is fully expecting us to arrive in a TRUCK!!. Dean is calm and cool and saying “its just a hiccup no worries, well get a U-Haul and it will go well.” He’s of course right, BUT he wont be at the receiving end of a vicious, hormonal, pregnant Lion Mood swing now will he??? I honestly thought I would not live to see the new house. I fully Expected Val to tear me a new one and say all the usual things Like “I TOLD YOU!!”, “YOU DIDN’T THINK”, “YOU SHOULD HAVE!”, ” YOU YOU YOU”, “YOUR GROUNDED”, ” NO PS3 FOR A WEEK”, You know…… Fetal position await beating.

Heh….Nope…she agreed with DEAN!! What are the chances I mean OMG!! Granted im happy as hell I still have a shimming linger of a manhood but still. I was so freaking scared and paranoid and she did NOTHING!!!!! I swear to God women do this on purpose just to keep our blood pressure high. Now you all may think I over reacted just a little……but if you think thats over reacting eat the last bit of Ice cream in the house and say something retarted like “We’ll buy more” and see how you fare!!! Then show up without a truck on moving day and tell me you won’t shit your pants 6 shades of brown on the way to the pregnant wife!!!

The new house……It’s wonderful. Of course to avoid my opinion meaning a thing during the initail set up after everything was unloaded Val waited until I left to return the Rented truck. Chris and I had a good time and Dont think TARA that I was not aware that the Tim hortons stop for YOU was nothing less that a stall tactic to give Val MORE time to push my opinion over the fence!!. The sad thing is my friend Chris came with me and I firmly beleive he has dirty thoughts about Tim Hortons and drinking its coffee is some sexual adventure for him. The man is more addicted that flies to sht!!

One great thing I must admit is that a pregnant Woman can do dishes like no tomorrow. Val got her hands on 4 boxes of dishes and glass stuff etc etc and in 32 mintes had them all washed and put away. During this time I think I unpacked a box of DVD’s and was still trying to put them in Alphabetical order.

Now is the return of the snap mood swing. Week 15…. Men have a say in very little. I tried to close the window in the Kitchen and Val swiftly bugged her eyes from her head and said in a semi-demonic voice ” WTF are you doing” and returned to her seat. Once my balls returned to thier position I apologized and opened the window again. Trying further to make up for my lack of unpacking speed Val mentioned that she has a sweet tooth and so I lovingly offered her My caramilk bar that was in the fridge. Once again the Demonic voice returned and uttered ‘ ITS NOT A MR. BIG!!”

Men…you just can’t win….And at week 15 there is very little you can do right or fast enough. This is the cocoon period. You must sally forth and endure. The energy returns and do not be foolish and think that you can outsmart her!! Roll with the punches (Which if you are lucky will only be 5 to 15) and remember that the fetal position is the safest position for you. Remember this quote:

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.”

Desmond Morris

We should be getting the results for the prenatest soon and Val is doing her diabetes treatments like clockwork. Seriously Val is taking things very well and both of us are as happy as can be with the way things are going. Wekk 15 brought up some new changes and returned some old habits but all in all things are fantastic!. See you all later.

By Lee Marshall