Memoirs of a Pregnant Dad- week 9-10

Pregnancy (As per Websters Dictionary)
Noun:
1. The state of being pregnant; the period from conception to birth when a woman carries a developing fetus in her uterus.

A man wrote this….had to have been. Far too simple. This man is probably single, never been kissed, and as attractive as a used eraser!. Men like this are the reason most of us have no concept of what being pregnant is all about. Thus let us explore what they left out from the things I have witnessed watching Val over the last 11 weeks.

1) May or may not puke your guts up at any given moment. We call it “Morning Sickness” to throw you off. Consider this a suprise in the “afternoon”
2) Expect to cry at several commercials ranging from Crest toothpaste to movie previews.
3) Farting will become a new and exciting game in the house. Expect lots of giggling and sudden movement….especially under the covers.
4) Will use pregnancy as an excuse for hubby to get drinks from the kitchen and snacks from the pantry. Men…do not be suprised if after 5 weeks it goes from.. “honey can you get me…. ” to “Ahem”!
5) Will repeat many words such as Grapefruit… Inches… Sorry I farted… and afore mentioned “Ahem”
6) falling asleep in 3.435 seconds is not abnormal.

Thankfully my Wonderful soon to be wife, mother of my child is not experiencing the morning sickness at all, and I have yet to hear the word which carries many sentences and requests into one…”Ahem”. However she is constantly tired. When I come home from work she is usually laying on the couch curled up all comfy and snoring away with out a care in the world. She can fall asleep at the drop of a dime. There was one time she was at the computer, went to the kitchen, poured some milk and returned to the livingroom where I firmly beleive she was asleep the whole time. Don’t ask me how she did it but I was quite impressed. I even thought of asking her if she can get me a bowl of ice cream while she was up just to see if it was a fluke but decided not too. Besides…..even asleep…..she would know! And then she’d tell Tara and Debbie and my Mom about the horrible things I did and I’d receive a sound flogging!

There were two sudden mood swings so far. Nothing serious but..”zero to gremlin from abyss of doom” comparrison was not far from the truth. Driving to Samantha and Jason’s on saturday we hit some traffic. Still dont’ know why but I was annoyed. Now I was looking out the window talking to the traffic and happened to say outloud “What the hell is this???”‘ For some reason Val looked at me and said “DONT YELL AT ME!!!” I cowered, and said as my voice cracked “I wasn’t!” I swear I saw horns…….but Im still not sure…..far all I know she was asleep.

The second sudden snap I have to admit was kinda my fault. I have been torturing her with episodes of the Sopranos and lets just say she let me know E-x-a-c-t-l-y how she feels about the Sopranos. Suddenly we were watching Animal Planet because I was too scared shtless to keep the DVD in the Machine. I do not doubt for a second that she could have melted the DVD with her mind and launched Fireballs at me from her nostils.

1 to 3 seconds of Demonspawn and then she goes back to her regular self. Hearing about it is one thing…. Being on the recieving end is a totally different ball game my friends. This is a whole new meaning of fear…. I don’t care how tough any guy thinks he is, when your pregnant wife goes off on a mood swing you are reduced to a cowering meatball of manhood from which there is no excape. If you think for one second ‘that won’t happen to me…Ill tell her when she’s out of line’, or whatever foolish justification you think will work, I got news for you pal! Pregnant > you. End of story!

And then of course my mind wandered and I started to think of women like “Zap” from american gladiators, and “Chyna” from WWE. I feel so sorry if any man ever gets those women pregnant. A mood swing will not merely consist of a scream but will conclude with a body slam though the coffee table and a flying elbow off the dryer. Then she’ll cry and aplogize. Wtf is that poor bastard going to do?? Tell her she over reacted??? No! He’s going to have no choice but to say “Its ok baby I know its just the hormones” while relocating his shoulder cracking whats left of his back and changing his underwear! In Leiu of this I am very happy that My honey is Valerie, a normal woman. And not a 6 foot 6 Amazon Hulk Beast wrestler named “Killer!”.

Extras: Val is doing very good still. Starting to show a little bit too which I can’t stop staring at and touching but anyway….Her doctor says all is going very well so far. He even tried to see if we could hear the heartbeat with the……the um…….the Super-ultra-listening-device-thingy. Apparently 10 weeks is the earliest you coud hear it. But after several minutes and the look on Vals face that the doctor must of recognized as “if you poke and prod me any longer I will slug you” he said he was sorry but could not find the heartbeat.

We have a few appointments coming up wthin the month which will tell us a lot more of how the baby is doing and possibly will hear the heartbeat then. And if were lucky, find out the sex. Will of course Keep you all posted!!

By Lee Marshall