Memoirs Of A Pregnant Dad- week 11-12
ByIt was a warm night, quite and comfortable. We had just finished watching a movie in fact and had decided to go to bed. You all know the rest…..getting ready, brushing teeth, The comforts of pillow talk before closing your eyes and letting the slumber take you off to dream land. When Suddenly!!! A voice fills the darkness of our bedroom!. The voice of my soon to be wife which utters……… “You know why we get pregnant eh?? To put you men through 9 months of HELL!!!”
Fear took me…..I grasped on to my pillow as a 6 year old child afraid to move because mommy wasn’t finished yelling at him. Sweat was on my brow as the shadows of doom lingered in the sudden cold air. Eyes closed…..teeth clenched…………. I waited for the hammer to fall. Instead however Val felt it prudent to extend my fearful torment. Laughter……. laughter filled the cold bed chamber, reducing the pitiful traces of courage I had left to mere memory. And then silence.
4 seconds later Val was snoring like a trucker.
Aside from the select few mood swings that resulted in violence and several deaths, Val has actually been pretty good in this department. Atleast not as bad as I expected so far. Of course there is an opposite for everything as there is also the occasional emotional reaction! . I saw the first of these this week thanks to Vals favorite channel of Animal planet. Cute little Lion Cubs and Bears who didn’t “make it” or had to be put down and she is crying away. She hides it pretty well trying not to let me notice but I have. Of course she gives no heed to the 6 men these bears and lions ate for breakfast, and the 2 poor bastards they chewed on for lunch but she feels for the animals! Im not sure its healthy really but if anyone thinks I should say someting your out of your friggen mind! I might end up on the chewing end of a pregnant Lion during a “Mood Swing” and be a front page headline.
Another thing that isn’t really new but Val has taken to a whole new astronomic level of Wife clause. My Clothes, I no longer own T-shirts and I have no idea what she does with them. Not only does she wear them…..when she’s done with them she hides them!!! I watched her fold them after a load of laundry and she put 6 of my T-shirts in HER dresser!!!! When I said “wth??” She looked at me utterly serious and said, “Well, its easier than going in your drawer!!!!”. And then some rediculous justification of “I dont want to wake you up when Im getting ready in the morning”. This is of course verbal diarea, she knows god dam well A tank could drive through the room and I wouldn’t Budge. DId I have the courage to argue??? Wish I could say yes, but no…. I hung my head low and accepted defeat while I loaded up Quake wars to kill virtual people to try and feel better about myself.
So I get an idea when its my turn to do some loads of laundry. I folded all the T-shirts I had left up and put them ALL in different drawers. Did it work? Absolutely NOT! She found them all like she knew it all along. I even put some in the side dresser near the bed and she found those too. She’s like a T-shirt bloodhound!!!! I stuffed my Van Halen T-shirt between the matresses of our bed and she was wearing it the NEXT DAY!!! Most women steal your sweaters…..No.. My sweaters suck or something its my T-shirts she loves!!! I mentioned during lunch the other day that I need to go and buy more T-shirts cause Ive lost all mine and dont know where they are and she silently Cheered! She even did the fist pump like she just scored a goal. This has taught me that Cravings do not just consist of Foods! But of Really weird habits! My name is Lee Marshall, and I am a victim of Grand Theft T-shirt!
We are nearing the end of the first Tri-mester. Val this week is slowly getting her energy back which is a good thing……Of course whether its a good thing or not for me has yet to be decided as more energy will likely mean my opinion goes from on the fence to over the balcony but we’ll see.
Lately we are both very excited about moving, we can’t wait to get started with the painting and stuff and have been boucning ideas back and forth concerning the baby’s room. Needless to say, Prego has over ruled my ideas for the first “Purcase’s” for the house. So we will be buying whatever she feels we “need” as opposed to what I “Want”. Im very upset by this but we all know I lost before I even tried to justify our “need” for shamwows and a deluxe waffle machine.
The greatest thing about these past couple of weeks is Val is showing!!! So of Course I can’t keep my hands off the belly and talking to it. I also have rather red hands cause they tend to wander upstairs from time to time and then of course Im banned from the belly…..I have been belly banned 4 times now but Im learning…..slowly.
Next week she goes for the Prenatest…..looking forward to that cause we get to see everything and hear the heartbeat!!!!! I will also beat the living hell out of the technician if we dont get a picture this time, So the next memoire might be from jail but there WILL be a picture from the ultrasound!!!
Go Team!
By Lee Marshall