Archive for May, 2009
Memoirs Of A Pregnant Dad- Week 13-14
Posted by: | CommentsNope…I did not forget. We’ve just been preparing to move and I’ve been a little busy packing and such. Yes I know that most of the women in my life will tell me that this is no excuse but if you like you can argue with the pregnant wife…. yes I know this is likely futile for me but don’t tell me your not thinking twice!
So I’ve learned some things these past couple of weeks. This may come as a suprise for most of you but these are not the lessons that everyday man must accustom himself too. I have had many lessons of marriage 101 from Tracy and Tim, but nothing can prepare a man for (scary music) Pregnancy!!!! I have made a list of the 5 prime rules a man must follow for pregnancy. Men…some may seem rediculous and the women will laugh at me but beleive me, you’ll thank me for it!!!
RULE 1: Never Challenge the pregnant one. Under no circumstances tell her that “You Think” something is not a good idea, or that “She can’t” do something. This will result in several bruises and mild verbal abuse measuring to the effect of “fuk you” and “Your not gonna tell me…”
RULE 2: If the cat is in the Vacinity of the pregnant one and “looks” like it may make its way to the pregant one Do NOT pick up said Cat and begin to pet it! This cat was clearly on its way to say hello to the pregnant one and you WILL receive a verbal lashing for interfering!!!
RULE 3: If you thought you were wrong before, there is no Websters definition for how wrong you are now! Expect the worst and hope for the best!.
RULE 4: Always have the internet or computer turned on and ready. Learn how to stall accordingly!!! When in doubt…RUN. The most obscure question will come forth from the pregnant ones mouth and “I don’t know” is not an acceptable answer and time is sensitive!!
RULE 5: This one is important. Write stuff down. No matter how minute. She WILL ask a question pertaining to some lost artifact that is in your house and she WILL fully expect you to know where it is. You MUST have an aswer!!! If you have no clue…inform her you have no clue…and the color draws from her face my friend there is nothing I can do to save you. NOTE: Sometimes she will play with your head and play like its completely ok, beware of this…for the next time will result in much guilt.
Follow these rules as though they are the bible……Rememeber GOD created the earth and life in 7 days!! He did not have to deal with a woman for 9 months. Considering Man was created in his image I think us men can completley understand why he decided to skip that part!!! It must be great being Devine, but we are not…..thus….follow the rules!!!!
Your wife will develop some strange habits. Of course when these habits are brought to thier attention there will be a completely obvious excuse that you “should have known” for them. These are not obvious to you but you will be made to feel that the rest of the world is well aware of these reasons. IE: Val for some reason suddenly always….and I mean always..wears a hat. I wear a hat all the time yes but when Im home I take it off etc etc……Val….will wake up, put a hat on and NEVER take it off. Why? Her Words: ” My Hair feels better with it on”, “I have a headache”, “It’s Cold”, Analyzing these answers I can find find no significant relation to them and a baseball cap BUT for those in doubt…see rule # 3.
14 weeks is the end of the first Tri-mester, start of the second. See I know this because I get an E-mail from Baby Center Canada ( I love you Catherine) and therfore if you think im wrong its the internet and not my fault!!! Val has developed an extremly colorful vocabulary, mild violent mood swings and there have only beeen 14 bodies i’ve had to bury..( by the way Deb…next cat that dies….NOT to the left of the tree, and ignore the hole under Dad’s stairs!! ) Things are good. As per baby center Canada these are a reletively uneventful 2 weeks in terms of mood and tempermant. The pregnant one will not experience much change and I must agree, however the baby itself has doubled in size and is starting to kick (although she won’t feel it) and suck on it’s thumb. Week 15 promises much but well get to that in good time, and yes…I do have the ultrasound’ pictures so I am not in jail but I do need to scan them. Tim being the only friend I know who has a scanner does not currently have it hooked up. So ( and I need your help) I need to wait for TIM to re-connect his scanner so I can scan the pictures and attach them to a memoir. Therefore Tim is the only one tagged in this memoir of easy access for al you readers to send him a message so he can hook it up and I can scan it!!
I am fully aware that I will pay for this Tim but you have to admit it was a goooooood plan!!!! Provided of course people co-operate which……sadly….when it comes to me……Doubtful!!
Week 15 coming soon, will be a long one I think…I have many notes! BTW, Val is showing much more and is adorable!!
Memoirs Of A Pregnant Dad- week 11-12
Posted by: | CommentsIt was a warm night, quite and comfortable. We had just finished watching a movie in fact and had decided to go to bed. You all know the rest…..getting ready, brushing teeth, The comforts of pillow talk before closing your eyes and letting the slumber take you off to dream land. When Suddenly!!! A voice fills the darkness of our bedroom!. The voice of my soon to be wife which utters……… “You know why we get pregnant eh?? To put you men through 9 months of HELL!!!”
Fear took me…..I grasped on to my pillow as a 6 year old child afraid to move because mommy wasn’t finished yelling at him. Sweat was on my brow as the shadows of doom lingered in the sudden cold air. Eyes closed…..teeth clenched…………. I waited for the hammer to fall. Instead however Val felt it prudent to extend my fearful torment. Laughter……. laughter filled the cold bed chamber, reducing the pitiful traces of courage I had left to mere memory. And then silence.
4 seconds later Val was snoring like a trucker.
Aside from the select few mood swings that resulted in violence and several deaths, Val has actually been pretty good in this department. Atleast not as bad as I expected so far. Of course there is an opposite for everything as there is also the occasional emotional reaction! . I saw the first of these this week thanks to Vals favorite channel of Animal planet. Cute little Lion Cubs and Bears who didn’t “make it” or had to be put down and she is crying away. She hides it pretty well trying not to let me notice but I have. Of course she gives no heed to the 6 men these bears and lions ate for breakfast, and the 2 poor bastards they chewed on for lunch but she feels for the animals! Im not sure its healthy really but if anyone thinks I should say someting your out of your friggen mind! I might end up on the chewing end of a pregnant Lion during a “Mood Swing” and be a front page headline.
Another thing that isn’t really new but Val has taken to a whole new astronomic level of Wife clause. My Clothes, I no longer own T-shirts and I have no idea what she does with them. Not only does she wear them…..when she’s done with them she hides them!!! I watched her fold them after a load of laundry and she put 6 of my T-shirts in HER dresser!!!! When I said “wth??” She looked at me utterly serious and said, “Well, its easier than going in your drawer!!!!”. And then some rediculous justification of “I dont want to wake you up when Im getting ready in the morning”. This is of course verbal diarea, she knows god dam well A tank could drive through the room and I wouldn’t Budge. DId I have the courage to argue??? Wish I could say yes, but no…. I hung my head low and accepted defeat while I loaded up Quake wars to kill virtual people to try and feel better about myself.
So I get an idea when its my turn to do some loads of laundry. I folded all the T-shirts I had left up and put them ALL in different drawers. Did it work? Absolutely NOT! She found them all like she knew it all along. I even put some in the side dresser near the bed and she found those too. She’s like a T-shirt bloodhound!!!! I stuffed my Van Halen T-shirt between the matresses of our bed and she was wearing it the NEXT DAY!!! Most women steal your sweaters…..No.. My sweaters suck or something its my T-shirts she loves!!! I mentioned during lunch the other day that I need to go and buy more T-shirts cause Ive lost all mine and dont know where they are and she silently Cheered! She even did the fist pump like she just scored a goal. This has taught me that Cravings do not just consist of Foods! But of Really weird habits! My name is Lee Marshall, and I am a victim of Grand Theft T-shirt!
We are nearing the end of the first Tri-mester. Val this week is slowly getting her energy back which is a good thing……Of course whether its a good thing or not for me has yet to be decided as more energy will likely mean my opinion goes from on the fence to over the balcony but we’ll see.
Lately we are both very excited about moving, we can’t wait to get started with the painting and stuff and have been boucning ideas back and forth concerning the baby’s room. Needless to say, Prego has over ruled my ideas for the first “Purcase’s” for the house. So we will be buying whatever she feels we “need” as opposed to what I “Want”. Im very upset by this but we all know I lost before I even tried to justify our “need” for shamwows and a deluxe waffle machine.
The greatest thing about these past couple of weeks is Val is showing!!! So of Course I can’t keep my hands off the belly and talking to it. I also have rather red hands cause they tend to wander upstairs from time to time and then of course Im banned from the belly…..I have been belly banned 4 times now but Im learning…..slowly.
Next week she goes for the Prenatest…..looking forward to that cause we get to see everything and hear the heartbeat!!!!! I will also beat the living hell out of the technician if we dont get a picture this time, So the next memoire might be from jail but there WILL be a picture from the ultrasound!!!
Go Team!
By Lee Marshall
Memoirs of a Pregnant Dad- week 9-10
Posted by: | CommentsPregnancy (As per Websters Dictionary)
Noun:
1. The state of being pregnant; the period from conception to birth when a woman carries a developing fetus in her uterus.
A man wrote this….had to have been. Far too simple. This man is probably single, never been kissed, and as attractive as a used eraser!. Men like this are the reason most of us have no concept of what being pregnant is all about. Thus let us explore what they left out from the things I have witnessed watching Val over the last 11 weeks.
1) May or may not puke your guts up at any given moment. We call it “Morning Sickness” to throw you off. Consider this a suprise in the “afternoon”
2) Expect to cry at several commercials ranging from Crest toothpaste to movie previews.
3) Farting will become a new and exciting game in the house. Expect lots of giggling and sudden movement….especially under the covers.
4) Will use pregnancy as an excuse for hubby to get drinks from the kitchen and snacks from the pantry. Men…do not be suprised if after 5 weeks it goes from.. “honey can you get me…. ” to “Ahem”!
5) Will repeat many words such as Grapefruit… Inches… Sorry I farted… and afore mentioned “Ahem”
6) falling asleep in 3.435 seconds is not abnormal.
Thankfully my Wonderful soon to be wife, mother of my child is not experiencing the morning sickness at all, and I have yet to hear the word which carries many sentences and requests into one…”Ahem”. However she is constantly tired. When I come home from work she is usually laying on the couch curled up all comfy and snoring away with out a care in the world. She can fall asleep at the drop of a dime. There was one time she was at the computer, went to the kitchen, poured some milk and returned to the livingroom where I firmly beleive she was asleep the whole time. Don’t ask me how she did it but I was quite impressed. I even thought of asking her if she can get me a bowl of ice cream while she was up just to see if it was a fluke but decided not too. Besides…..even asleep…..she would know! And then she’d tell Tara and Debbie and my Mom about the horrible things I did and I’d receive a sound flogging!
There were two sudden mood swings so far. Nothing serious but..”zero to gremlin from abyss of doom” comparrison was not far from the truth. Driving to Samantha and Jason’s on saturday we hit some traffic. Still dont’ know why but I was annoyed. Now I was looking out the window talking to the traffic and happened to say outloud “What the hell is this???”‘ For some reason Val looked at me and said “DONT YELL AT ME!!!” I cowered, and said as my voice cracked “I wasn’t!” I swear I saw horns…….but Im still not sure…..far all I know she was asleep.
The second sudden snap I have to admit was kinda my fault. I have been torturing her with episodes of the Sopranos and lets just say she let me know E-x-a-c-t-l-y how she feels about the Sopranos. Suddenly we were watching Animal Planet because I was too scared shtless to keep the DVD in the Machine. I do not doubt for a second that she could have melted the DVD with her mind and launched Fireballs at me from her nostils.
1 to 3 seconds of Demonspawn and then she goes back to her regular self. Hearing about it is one thing…. Being on the recieving end is a totally different ball game my friends. This is a whole new meaning of fear…. I don’t care how tough any guy thinks he is, when your pregnant wife goes off on a mood swing you are reduced to a cowering meatball of manhood from which there is no excape. If you think for one second ‘that won’t happen to me…Ill tell her when she’s out of line’, or whatever foolish justification you think will work, I got news for you pal! Pregnant > you. End of story!
And then of course my mind wandered and I started to think of women like “Zap” from american gladiators, and “Chyna” from WWE. I feel so sorry if any man ever gets those women pregnant. A mood swing will not merely consist of a scream but will conclude with a body slam though the coffee table and a flying elbow off the dryer. Then she’ll cry and aplogize. Wtf is that poor bastard going to do?? Tell her she over reacted??? No! He’s going to have no choice but to say “Its ok baby I know its just the hormones” while relocating his shoulder cracking whats left of his back and changing his underwear! In Leiu of this I am very happy that My honey is Valerie, a normal woman. And not a 6 foot 6 Amazon Hulk Beast wrestler named “Killer!”.
Extras: Val is doing very good still. Starting to show a little bit too which I can’t stop staring at and touching but anyway….Her doctor says all is going very well so far. He even tried to see if we could hear the heartbeat with the……the um…….the Super-ultra-listening-device-thingy. Apparently 10 weeks is the earliest you coud hear it. But after several minutes and the look on Vals face that the doctor must of recognized as “if you poke and prod me any longer I will slug you” he said he was sorry but could not find the heartbeat.
We have a few appointments coming up wthin the month which will tell us a lot more of how the baby is doing and possibly will hear the heartbeat then. And if were lucky, find out the sex. Will of course Keep you all posted!!
By Lee Marshall
Memoirs of A Pregnant Dad-Week 8
Posted by: | CommentsYes week 8…. no I did not skip 7 weeks I am just using the correct amount of weeks that we are…..excuse me… that VAL is pregnant so I will continue the memoirs accordingly.
The last 2 -3 weeks have been interesting….Thanks to Catherine I am now addicted to Baby Center Canada. However despite the fact that I am paranoid about everything it is probably the greatest site I have ever seen for lunatic new expecting Dad’s. It really puts to rest the falsehoods about many ‘Old wives Tales’ or non truths about pregnancy. A wealth of information also to help anyone who is pregnant, (Even that chick in the states who has 17 children or so would have learned a thing or two, however the section on birth control obviously would have been beyond her comprehension). If your pregnant take a peek, it really helps and thank you Catherine =). Thanks to my addiction I am now dangling rings from strings over her belly in order to figure out what sex the baby is. Checking to see if her pillow faces north or south for the same silly reasons and buying an abundance of Milk for her to drink. Oh what Fun!!.. IM not to sure Val is enjoying my silly behavior very much but Im full of glee!!!
Val herself is experiencing some changes, and oh so evident ones!!! Although she isn’t experiencing any morning sickness which Im thankful for. Nothing is worse than watching or hearing someone puke….especially when your gag factor in this situation is little to non existant i’d be puking right beside her. (Now isn;t that love!) Of course the one thing she’s expriencing in a profound way is of course the worst possible thing that can happen! Sensitive Boobs!!! This is mild torture now….. but you see it gets worse! Soon there will be NO TOUCHY at all!! Remember that commercial with guy laying on his lawn with the water hose talking to a weed? “Want it? Can’t have it!” This is starting…..Ive cried twice! Im very upset….of all the things!! Why couldnt this wait. This is just the beginning too, because as the weeks go by it gets worse! And it doesn’t stop at birth….. Once that happens the Kid gets them all to himself!!!. Selfish brat….As soon as that child is born it’s grounded with no TV!! I am denied Boobies and all must know my pain!!
The second noticable difference is her driving. No you dont understand, her driving itself is fine…. its her Vocal’s. Now we’ve all yelled at other cars, given the finger, muttered under our breathe at other people but Val has taken this to a whole new level. During the last two weeks I have witnessed unforseen horrors.
“BITCH!!”, “TURN YOU IDIOT!!” “EVER HEAR OF A FLASHER!!!!!” “WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO DRIVE YOU HEEDLESS SIMPLETON”, “MY KITCHEN TABLE CAN DRIVE BETTER THAN YOU!” “OH YOU WANT SOME!!!! ILL STAB YOU WITH A TOOHBRUSH!!!” “AZZHOLE” “ITS CALLED A GAS PEDAL..HERE’S AN IDEA….. PUSH IT!!!” “IM PREGO DON’T MESS!!” “PICK A LANE FUKNUT!” “CRASH TEST THIS, ITS NOT MY TRUCK!!” . Now this may seem normal, but all this is during the 8 minutes we are actually driving during our lunch hour!! I can only imagine the profane slander that exits her mouth when she’s alone!!! This frightens me really because if this is just the begining of the emotional roller coaster than the future promises Sweetypie to Gremlin from the Abyss of Doom in under 3 seconds. So if you come to visit and im in the fetal position cowering in a corner don’t ask questions. Just ignore me Ill be ok.
On a serious note however we had the first ultra sound and the fear that the baby could be in her tube is gone. Baby is smack in the middle where it should be and everything is a green light. Doctor also gave her a “confimation of pregnancy” which I laughed at. Trust me……. I know. Boob withdrawl here!! Yes…she is indeed Pregnant!!
Needless to say…… I did the driving.
By Lee Marshall